In honor of the Ashley Madison hack, I reworked the lyrics to "Escape (the Piña Colada Song)" to fit our modern times.....
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a bookmarked porno scene set to a techno song
So while she lay there sleepin' I surfed the web in bed
In the Ashley Madison personals, there was this profile I read
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like having rough sex at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
Then I'm the dirty girl you've looked for, DM me and escape
I didn't think about my lady, but fuck her, she's kind of mean
See me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I messaged the profile, typed out on my pricey Ipad
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad
Yes, I like piña coladas and sex til you scream my name
I'm a CrossFit lifting dude, I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and for S&M, bring duct tape
At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escape
So I waited with high hopes and she showed up in black leather pants
I knew the Botox smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her implants
It was my own lovely lady and she said, "Aw, it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew."
That you like piña coladas and gettin' slapped in the face
And the feel of the ocean and the pleasure laccccccced with pain
So you like getting assfucked at midnight in the dunes on the cape
You're the whore that I've looked for, come with me and escape
Let's get this on a demo. Weimerica would eat it up.