Tuesday, June 09, 2015

A Boomer Marriage of Convenience

Scene: It's 3am. A secluded lake house on a quiet night. A man paces back and forth sockless and shirtless but in slacks. He stokes a fire that had died down earlier. The door opens. In walks a pear shaped woman in a bathrobe over her sweatpants and comfy LL Bean sweatshirt.

Woman: "What the hell is it now? It's 3am, why did you call me down here? Where's your shirt?"

Man: "Awww, honey, look, I'm just confused and scared. Can you peek inside the bedroom? I didn't know what to do."

Woman walks into the bedroom. You hear the curtains close quickly. She stomps over to the fireplace.

Woman: "You fucking couldn't make it could you! At least shut the fucking curtains you sex crazed maniac. What the fuck did you do?"

Man: "It was an accident."

Woman: "She's naked and dead in your bed. You don't have the power you once did old man. How'd you kill a twentysomething? Is there coke here? Did you even check her purse?"

Man: "It was an accident I swear. These young girls are different. She wanted to play a bit of 50 Shades of Grey. I was making it up on the fly. I just wanted to make her happy."

Woman: "What about making me happy? What about our agreement?"

Man: "I was thinking about you, I even-"

Woman: "Shut the fuck up. You weren't thinking about anything but your dick! I asked you to stay clear for two years. Just two goddamn years. How many revenge fucks do you need to make up for being a fat nerdy son of a whore-"

Man: "Hey, that's my mother-"

Woman: "Yes, and you're just fucking like her. You realize the shit I've dealt with for your fat ass for decades. How many girls is this? Please tell me she is of age? >man nods< Don't fuck this up for me. You know how hard it is bribing people to keep the Epstein shit in the dark. Did you even think before you flew off to that nympho filled island? They've had you by the balls your entire career. I left Yale and moved to goddamn Arkansas for your career! You know the hot lesbians I missed out on in New York because you had to go home?"

Man: "You had your share, and that scared the shit out of me for years."

Woman: "Sure, but I kept them on as close aides and had long term relationships of emotional connection, not just cheap flings to make up for being a band geek. You know how many poetic love filled emails I just deleted? 10,000. That took a lot out of me. I cried. That's how my people communicate. We channel our bed death energy elsewhere. I'm a modern Virginia Woolf goddamit!"

Man: "I can clean this up."

Woman: "You're goddamn right you will. Plus, your ass is going to be on watch non-stop. Where is your security detail?"

Man: "I got them hookers for the night."

Woman: "Trustworhy guys watching your ass. No, you're going to be sleeping in my bed from now on. If you can go vegan, you can put up with nights next to my cold ass. Gerry was right, you're a sex addict. For all the media appearances I had to make standing next to your despicable ass, you can do this for me. You can Chromecast porn on our plasmascreen for all I fucking care! You realize how close I am? Did you stop touching your dick long enough to think about someone else for once? You realize that faggy little orphan stole my spot, my time, my coronation. Insult on insults the media calls his Chewbacca looking wife 'beautiful' more times than they ever said it of me. I counted! You think I rehabbed for months from that stroke just to spend retirement with our ugly grandkid? This is it. This is when I get crowned greatest Boomer woman of all time. I will have won, and they're trying to junk me for blue eyed Pocahontas already. I'm so close, don't ruin this for me with your dick."

Man: "How are we going to clean this up? Do we just dump her in the lake like Fredo?"

Woman: "Same as usual. At least one of us has a system. Don't touch her. Please tell me you didn't cum after she was dead this time?"

Man: "Viagra actually makes it harder to finish."

Woman: "I assume you gave her the speil about no cell phones and keeping it a secret? >man nods< Jesus Christ, you're a predictable horny little kid. Pretending it's a secret gets you hot doesn't it? Collect her things, put them in a trash bag. I got your alibi. I have to make a call. Get someone else to make a story for her disappearance. We need to keep making millions for hush money. I'd like to enjoy that money for once. Hello Chaim, yeah, we got a Code Purple at the lakehouse. Need this all done by 6am."

Man: "Aww, sweetie, you're so smart."

The man goes in for a hug. The woman makes an annoyed face and stiff arms him.

Woman: "You know how sweaty and smelly you are, back off... I need a goddamn drink."


Anonymous said...


PA said...

Your ex-president vignettes are awesome. I didn't get the Fredo reference. Was Gerry short for G. Flowers?

Son of Brock Landers said...

PA - Fredo Corleone was shot while fishing and implied he was dumped in a lake in godfather 2.

Gerry is a reference to Gerald Ford being on the record as saying he thought Clinton was a sex addict because he couldnt control himself while in the White House.

This is just a fictional creation of what probably has happened or will happen sometime before Nov 2016.