Tuesday, November 04, 2014

The $1,000,000 Victimization Pyramid

Dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bumm-Bumm, Dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bum-Bum, Da-dun dadundadundadund-dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bumm Bumm

>Host Chip Wellington smiles after breaking off chit chat with a contestant<

"Welcome back folks to the Million Dollar Victimization Pyramid. Today we have one heckuva challenger. LaTorna DaQwakon Johnson has been making mince meat out of her opponents here on the million dollar victimization pyramid."

"Dayym right, Chip," Latorna interrupts to applause as she crosses her arms and leans back in her wheelchair.

"Yes, fo' sho' as you said a few rounds ago," Chip continued, "Now for the viewers at home, let me set up this final round. LaTorna, you have battled the opening round of grievance players by answering questions about privilege, institutional bias and enrolling in government and/or educational programs better than anyone else. In this round, you now face off in one on one duels with our roster of Valorous Victims. You see your opponent. Your opponent reveals their victim status. You have 30 seconds to strategize with your chosen second, in this case, your single mother who was a crack addict in the '80s but turned herself around to work at a Head Start 2 days a week not to conflict with her welfare payments. You then reveal what is your victim status to trump the opponent. We have your resume and medical files, so only a declared status can be used. For $100,000, let's climb the pyramid!"

>White guy prances onstage, takes seat, crosses legs like the President<

"My name is Tommy. I contracted HIV twenty years ago at an invite only, pee party," Tommy.

"What's the P stand for Tommy," Chip asks.

"No, I meant pee as in urine. I watched my lover die from AIDS since he felt that it was livable and couldn't kill anymore. If only he had more education on HIV," Tommy starts crying. Latorna confers with her mom. As they break their huddle up, Latorna's mom is jumping around and yelling "Das mah babay!"

"I'm a black lesbian. I'm a minority within a minority of another minority. Ain't no white girls shopping with me, never mind sleeping with me," Latorna crosses her arms.

"Judges...," Chip looks to the left and touches his earpiece >beep<, "Latorna with a win. The triple minority combined with the fact that straight white women are repulsed by lesbians yet love gay men even if they have HIV overcomes your GRIDS, sorry HIV status and dead lover. Latorna, do you want to go another round, this time for $250,000 or do you want to go home with your winnings?"

"Bring 'em on, Chip", Latorna is doing complicated hand shakes with her mom, ending with a motion that her mom claims is sprinkling crack rocks on Cap 'n' Crunch like she did in the '80s.

>In walks, horn rimmed glasses wearing white lady.<

"My name is Jessica Streicher-Carrington. I am polyamorous and have 4 cats. I couldn't rescue a pit bull because my co-op doesn't allow them. I suffer micro-aggressions, catcalling and the oppression of the patriarchy is so heavy that society could not find me a husband, and now I waste away in my apartment, searching Tumblr for cute cat gifs when not looking for cat gifs on my Iphone in Starbucks and sharing cat gifs from my work email address," Jessica crossed her arms with a smug look, cocking one eyebrow up. Latorna waved off her mom.

"No huddle, Chip. I got this," Latorna stares at Jessica, "I never learned to spell my complicated Afro-centric name until I started practicing for the SATs. Even then, I scored poorly because the legacy of slavery haunted me while taking the test."

"Were there ghosts taunting you," Chip asked.

"Ghosts of slave owners whispering in my ears, Chip," Latorna looked on the verge of tears.

"I'm not going to bother with the judges," Chip fanned his face with his host card, "Jessica, that was a horrible play, and sub-par compared to your normal-"

"Stop oppressing me dad," Jessica yells.

"I'm not your dad, I was just saying that normally-"

"I will not perform to your patriarchal standards of what is normal and good," Jessica stomped off the set.

"Latorna, you have $250,000 right now, but do you want to risk it all for $500,000," Chip playfully asked, stretching the dollar amount.

"I got this locked down, Chip," Latorna rotated her neck, "Bring on the next suckah."

>In walks short tanned guy with a noticeable limp. He takes a seat gingerly.<

"My name is Alejandro, but people call me Al. I was an illegal alien years ago, and have built up a good life. Mi hijos are my life. I took them and their children in a giant, used Ford econobus for a vacation last fall. When on vacation in west Texas, an evil, white Texan blasted my leg with a shotgun. If not for my prayers to the blessed Virgin, I would have died. I have a limp for always, as I wait for amnesty from Obama," Alejandro's story had the entire audience spellbound. The crowd silent. Latorna raises her hand.

"Yes, Latorna, do you want to huddle or answer," Chip inquired.

"I need the judges to rule on this," Latorna began, "While a nice victim story, Al inserted one important detail that should disqualify him. Alejandro said he prayed to the blessed Virgin, who is the Virgin Mary mother of Jesus, and that saved him. His reference to a Christian figure in a positive light should disqualify his story."

"Judges?" Chip spun the card in his hand, waiting for their decision. Chip touched his ear piece >beep<.

"The judges are ruling that yes Alejandro is disqualified. Latorna, you are moving on," Chip smiles at Latorna as Alejandro limps off the set, wincing with each step.

"Latorna, now do you want to take the $500,000 and leave, or do you want to risk it all for the shot at $1 million," Chip rolled the words off his tongue. Latorna pauses a second as the crowd waits.

"Yeah-uhhhh," she answers gleefully.

>In rolls an old white guy.<

"Dayyyym, what this ol' cracka possibly have to do with this show," Latorna is woofing with her momma.

"Just wait Latorna," Chip motions her to calm down and show some respect. The elderly man is wheeled into place. It is wheelchair to wheelchair on the set. The elderly man lifts his chest up a bit and moves his head towards the microphone placed in front of him.

"Shoah," he calmly says with a tremble in his voice, "I survived the Shoah."

"That's all you got. Shoah nuff that ain't shit old man," Latorna unleashed her volley, "I'm a black lesbian atheist descended from slaves who is wheelchair bound, functionally illiterate and taking hormone therapy because I am trans*-"

"Actually Latorna, you declared on your application you were a lesbian taking hormones and did not specify that you were trans*, therefore you can not use that," Chip interjected, "Let's go to the judges."

A very quick beep in by the judges occurs. Chip checks his earmic.

"Shoah wins," Chip announces, "Latorna, you walk away with nothing but this consolation prize, a Harvard diploma and pre-populated transcript showing your completion of a Gender Theory and Queer studies major. Thank you for playing."

"Das some BS," Latorna stands up out of her wheelchair, "This mofo says Shoah and that trumps my pain. What about the liquidated millions of Cambodia? What of the Holomodor victims? How many millions did Mao kill? Shoah? This mofo wheeled in here with a Rolex on his wrist. Chip you dumb honkey-"

"Actually Chip is my stage name, I'm really Isaac Rosenbaum-Smythe," Chip said and backed away. Latorna and her mom start jumping around the stage. Fade to black and the outro theme music.

Dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bumm-Bumm, Dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bum-Bum, Da-dun dadundadundadund-dun-dun-dun dunnn, Bumm Bumm

"How long can we keep this show going," asks judge #1.

"Ehhh, they'll never get the $1 million prize, but we need to keep coming up with new terms and imaginary words. What is in the privilege and aggression pipeline," answers judge #2.

"You think we can take this game to da East," asks judge #3.

"Questionable, but they love to gamble and the intermarriage Ivy program has been productive the last 30 years," chipped in judge #2.

"How is everyone's Mandarin coming," asks judge #1, "Lot harder than it looks on the menu at Christmas when we go out for Chinese and a movie."

>All three laugh<


PA said...

LOL more of that please!

One false note: how the hell would Latrona know about Cambodia or the Holodomor? Blacks go blank at any mention of history that's not black history.

Son of Brock Landers said...

Shoukdve had white old mother who adopted her start complaining but I couldn't resist the sprinkling crack on cap'n'crunch line

PA said...

Also Latrona changes voice from ghetto to college-level language after Alejandro does his speech. Not nitpicking, just suspecting that a meta-joke went over my head.

PA said...


Above is my lil contribution to the art of political drama. Some of it is inside joke stuff re. my feud with Whorefinder. He started shit with me at GLP and then on CH, so I call him out on being a neocon.

Word-search the comments for "bushes" to read my play.

nikcrit said...

I can appreciate the set-up and comedic-story detail, but Latorna wouldn't have that studious a litany of grievence history to draw from..... NAMs aren't as victim-ladled as you make them out to be; that's mainly the result of white-lib mediation...... sigh, more conflation of prole NAMs and tactical buppie/white-lib speech

Scott's Bluff said...

Solid setup, believable character (sans Holodomor reference of course, wtf Word doesn’t recognize “Holodomor”, muh 8 million) and you probably could’ve gotten Chapelle to air this sketch way back when, before he discovered his audience was really only laughing at black foolishness and not some meta-version of white racism.

This reminds me of two MPC sketches (in case you haven’t read them)

Glengarry Glen Racist, a classic

& Dallas police, scroll down two posts, really funny in a stupid sort of way

Oh and that fucking pee reference for the gay guy, kill it with fire. I just read about that stuff yesterday. So-called “human urinal” at a gay orgy party. It was in the first entry for “Institute for Advanced Homophobia” (lot of MPC promotion I know). Read THAT if you haven’t already. Actually sort of hard to stomach. Starts at “Black Party”.


Anonymous said...

This 'white privilege' stuff is just a backhanded return of racism among urban whites. It fosters a white ethnic identity as they become a plurality that requires ethnic cohesion in cities, as opposed to an absolute majority, where members can benefit while engaging in moral preening to attract the aid of minorities.

Like seriously come on people. The only thing that comes out of 'I have white privilege' is 'I have a white identity and that means something'.

Next time you fuck a white urban liberal who pays lip service to this shit in public, tell a joke where the punchline is 'niggers gonna nig' with the hard r during the afterglow, and see if she wants to bang again.

Here have some honesty.