Sunday, December 16, 2012

Idea for Unemployed Hipsters - Start a Grade School

Are you an unemployed hipster? Do you have student loans that need to be paid off or you'll be selling your body, plasma, sperm or eggs soon? Fearful of selling out and becoming just another bourgeois drone worker?

Start a school. Here's the accreditation rules in Indiana (for example), but if it is private, you don't have to worry about certain rules. Some states also convert some student loans to grants if you teach for X many years. Get off your asses and do something.

1. Look at gentrifying areas in your metro area. research one with a lower average age. Do not try this in a gentrified area full of over 50 whties returning to their childhood city and swimming in nostalgia.

2. Look for a dumpy warehouse or old factory building with two floors in that area. Second floor can just be partial floor like in older industrial buildings. Pool resources of your parents to buy building and fix it up. You will teach on floor 1 and sleep on floor 2. Partly to save money, partly for public relations (see #9). Don't make individual rooms for classes, just big dividers and space out learning areas.

3. Get your 5 unemployed friends (from families with some money) at Starbucks excited about making a difference, having an impact, and giving back to the world.

4. Go door to door in the gentrified area and 'take surveys', which is surveillance and market research for your school.

5. Buy the mailing list for Democrat donors under 40 in the census tracts that encompass the gentrification zone and borderlands + Democrat donors over 40 from the whole metro area. Mail the under 40 donors advertisements for your new school. Price it below other private schools. Stress the low student to teacher ratio (15:1). Mail the same ads but attached to a fundraising flyer to the over 40 donors.

6. One class per grade. Each of you teach a grade from K-3. You teach everything. If you don't like it, divide teaching by subject and rotate kids. Whomever is the most outgoing, extroverted and talkative of the bunch will be the recruiter for students as well as fundraiser. This person should also pay real estate agents who work rentals and sales to mention the up and coming new styled 'private' school that is cheaper than other private schools but runs a very selective admissions process.

7. Have an application longer than the college common app, do parent interviews, run people through hoops, but in the end just select randomly from the wealthier couples.

8. Contract out lunch to healthy food BS company.

9. Contact one of your douchey friends who writes for the weekly, free alt-mag and beg them to stop smoking weed long enough to write an article on this 'EXCITING NEW SCHOOLING IDEA'. This is where the sleeping at the location sacrifice comes in handy. Local paper might subcontract this article to be in the daily.

10.  Teach your ass off to keep people applying, but rest assured that teaching the children of SWPLs, wealthy minorities and gentrifiers will be easy since those parents will be involved. If you're truly not materialistic, you should earn enough money to cover your debts, costs of marketing + minimal admin (just one of you), and minimal salaries (remember no rent anymore since you live there). You now have every holiday and summers off to work on your art or write that book. You are also able to brag that you're educating in a new, radical way, helping people try to repopulate the decaying parts of your metro area.


peterike said...

This is seriously brilliant. I'm sure the regulations are more challenging in a place like New York, but still. What a great idea!

One detail you forgot, though, is to name the school after a Certified Black Saint. The Nelson Mandela School for Gifted Young Children. The Barack Obama School for Democracy. The Martin Luther King School for Vibrant Diversity. You get the idea.

Then find some D-list celebrity in the area that recently had some spawn and offer them a free ride if you can use them in your marketing literature. "Kathy Griffin sends her kids to Mandela!"

Ok, that was an F-list celebrity. But you get the idea.

Also, put a few education professors and museum curators on your "Board of Directors," which means nothing. But it will give you a smart sheen.

Son of Brock Landers said...

I'm more than half serious with this proposal. The new voucher program in Indiana would help. I know of a location a group of enterprising hipsters or SWPLs could try this. They won't. Their talk of making a difference and not being a drone is cheap. You have some nice suggestions (I have the perfect D-list celeb for Indianapolis). Fundraising for this would be a lot easier than people would expect. You just need an attractive extrovert to do the presentations and grant writing.

I liked "The Nelson Mandela School for Gifted Young Children" the best. Good job.