Monday, September 29, 2008

Obama: Vote and You Shall be Saved

Vote for me, yes vote for Messiah v 2.0. You know I am the one true God, I mean, candidate. Bask in the glory that is my transcendant aura while I search around to find out anything I have done at all in the history of my working life that would warrant being elected the most powerful person in the free world. Wait... I am looking for it... c'mon there's got to be one thing. For Christ sake I wrote two books about myself, there should be something. Look, I'll get back to that, but let me talk about what will happen if I am elected.

In late January of 2009, the skies will open up and rain chocolate and gum drops on the people, war and famine will disappear, money will grow overnight in your mattress, and you will touch my robes and be healed. Look, this will happen because I say so, and a compliant mainstream media will dutifully go along with it. Come with me and your white guilt will be washed away. Look at my photo, I am only missing a halo. If I recall, Rolling Stone had it cropped out of the photo.

Everything will turn to gold, and if you argue or point out anything about me that is negative and true, off to the gallows or off with your head. If you support me and then become politically expendable, I will throw you under the bus... just ask my pastor & father figure, my underlings that I fire after mis-statements and my own gramma. I am so smart that I will not release my grades from college out of fear of what is on there that might puncture the one constant thing I keep waving as a reason to vote for me: that I'm smart. You think I even care about my wife? Look, I masturbate to photos of myself while standing in front of a mirror, preferably full length so I can bask in the glow that is my magnificence.

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