Let's have some fun with a parody of one of our favorite #NeverTrump phonies.
"Erick, I'm sitting here with my 2 teenage kids and our 3 African adoptees. We got a call looking for a home for some Zika Brazilians. I also received calls for border narco cartel wars kids and there are always the heroin orphans in my hometown that I know their grandparents. Who do I adopt? What is doing God's will?"
"I am not a holy man, but I can pretend to be one on command. I even read Hebrew thanks to Paul Singer's financial sponsorship.Adopting mentally retarded children is really not much different than what you have done for the Lord already with your African adoptees. God would want to to take in complete strangers and cause a burden on your kids and local community as you introduce severely disabled aliens to the great land of lakes. Oh God I just thought of butter >sucks down 2 cinnamon rolls<. As God said, 'love your neighbor that you have to fly for 15 hours to say good morning to.' Heroin orphans come with risk unlike African children, Zika Brazilians or narcowar orphans. God bless! Brian in Pennsylvania, what you got?"
>gulps from a 1000 calorie coffee concoction<
"Erick, I was a little upset when we decided to be #NeverTrump and then Hillary went ahead and nominated the transwoman, otherkin Jewish Harvard and Yale product who wrote that the 2nd amendment technically meant "bear arms" as in arms of the bear. You constitutionalists agreed it was the strict interpretation. Do we hand our guns over or do I join one of those Road War crews that send me funny tweets and I see lifting outside?"
"Brian whatever you do, do not join one of those groups. They don't even want to fight for conservatism. They keep joking about me and Muh Constitution. >stares at Constitution on desk, tries to pop a boner, only musters a halfie, eats 3 ho-hos< We have to admit that it is the law. It... is... the... law. Nothing we can do-"
"Couldn't we form militias as provided for in the second amendment which Justice Goldenburg left out to write 'sick burn, you are gonna get it now goyim'?"
"I've read the mainstream media's pitch and it's either gulags or 50% white privilege taxes. There is no other route. That's the choice. I might take my chance with the gulags because God forbid I suffer the tyranny of taxes. The last thing you want to do is defend yourself which is a natural right and shouldn't be necessary to encode it is so fundamental to the nature of existence but us Constitutional fetishists, check that hashtag listeners for Ben Howe's best tweets on it, know we need something spelled out for it to exist. Do not do that basic human function of self defense. Turn in your gun, and accept the new Pink Panther Pellet Gun. It is guaranteed to upset tweaking meth and crack heads enough to make sure a robbery goes wrong. I own one. I even bought gun oil that smells like bacon for it."
>Grabs a BLT, pulls out the tomato and lettuce, eats straight bacon sandwich in one gulp<
"Caller in from Nevada, Bradford, how can I help you?"
"Erick, I just returned from the latest Gulf fuck-up. Iran was far more prepared than Iraq, and weren't we trying to lessen strains across the globe. Doesn't anyone want to stop the wars of choice? You said it would be a surgical strike which our mighty airforce would be able to take care of, and they wouldn't need Marines like me. Was losing a carrier worth removing a political and regional rival for Israel? We had no skin it that game; they did."
>sound of grease dribbling on the floor, but it's just Erickson's tears<
"How... dare... you... say that about our greatest ally. Israel would gladly fight all of these secular warlords we took out to make the world safer, destroy terror networks and spread Western values. Unfortunately, they can't as they got a note written by their mother excusing them. We did it for what I hope one day is the 52nd state. If Puerto Rico can join, why not Israel?"
"Destroy terror networks? We accelerated their formation. We even funded, armed and trained them. You ever gonna fight? Why not stop terror by closing the door and deporting recet immigrants?"
"It's not who we are. We do not say no to Muslims. George Washington was friendly to Muslims. Thomas Jefferson had sex with an African Muslim! Alexander Hamilton is now played by a Muslim on broadway! We do not do that. I lived in Dubai for my formative years, so I know islam is a Religion of Peace. As far as fighting, I receivd a 4F deferment, fat, fearful, feminist, and faggot. I will gladly pay honor to the dead who return as their caskets land by watching it on my cellphone and making a hashtag about it. Please listen to this spot and remember to vote for the right Republican and if not available, the Democrat."
>Are you tired of the federal buses dropping off hundreds of third world citizens into the empty homes from the financial crisis that the feds never cleaned up? Are you worried about the jungle diseases running through our schools from the potato shaped kids from Guetemala and Nicaragua? Are you worried that the federal non-prog taxation rate is going to bite too much out of your wallet? Are you worried about the next time D'marcus is shot dead while raping a grandmother and 'the community' decides to burn the nearest city down with the media applauding? Vote Crawford for Governor. Pardons for real heroes, real human beans will be autosigned. Extralegal road war crews will be legal under my administration. Keep Lifting, Keep Posting. Vote for me on the Republican and Secession ballots<
>Erick Erickson eats 8 Buffalo Wild Wings boneless wings in one sweep of his doughy hand, mouths the words "So good" to the Lord, then grabs the 4 sticks of butter in the minifridge his gunt rests on and shoves them in, paper still on<<
"Welcome back, now remember folks, the mid-term elections are here and please vote for good, approved GOP governors and Senators. You can recognize them by their third world adopted children or the twitter hashtag #FAGOP, which is for "Freedom Always GOP", no that icky save civilization, protect whites, or secession GOP. Ricky in Oregon, you're on the air."
"Erick, my family escaped Portland's heroin-Mexican-SWPL descent into favela-land on the east side. Who could have foreseen tiny houses would turn into tin roof shacks all on the east side? We're hunkering down, more like bunkering in the eastern half of the state. Not just us but several competent men I know and their families. Only one has a two wife poly situation. We're setting up a communal feeling with shared services and duties, obligations to one another-"
"Excuse me but did you say communal, as in sharing as in communism? What type of American are you to be exiting the capitalist system we have? That's down right hippie communism."
"No, we actually view it as surviving the decay around us and saving a piece of civilization like in the decline of Rome-"
Decline? Our GDP is up 1.2% again this quarter. Unemployment is low but the universal basic income, which we fought but relented on since it only goes to a sliver of Americans that register as Democrats, limiting that gosh darn socialism, makes up for our employment pains. What kind of American are you? Turning your back on capitalism."
"Capitalism or corporatism? The corporations love Common Core which now affects all credentialism and white collar work, we just want an exit from the madness."
"We can fight this together. I know that when Marco Rubio runs in a couple years that this time, his 3rd try, will be the charm and then Common Core will be gone."
"I don't think you grasp the depth of the problem."
>Erickson eyes stack of pecan pancakes, drools so much he changes his bib, digs into pancakes<
"Caller >munch munch< from Colorado, shoot."
"Erick, are you having second thoughts that 2016 was a special chance to undo the horrific legacy of exactly 30 years earlier when Reagan signed the immigration amnesty? I asked not to say my state because stuffing Mexicans first tipped the state to Democrats but now the corrupt police have taken enough silver to let the cartels set up shop in abandoned commercial real estate. Shouldn't we have stumped for Trump?"
"How can you even suggest a selling out of our principles like that? Trump was no conservative like Mitt Romney nor the compassionate conservatism of President Bush. Trump was a big government liberal who liked the KKK and was a proto-Hitler. He never would've cut government or balanced the books like Romney promised to do and Reagan and Dubya failed to do but promised. He was pro-choice!"
"Yeah but when Dubya had the presidency with a GOP congress and sympathetic SCOTUS, he did nothing on abortion and greatly expanded the government while blowing out the budget. Wasn't it just you had sour grapes."
"Oh now you're going to bring up this Dolchstoss meme I keep hearing about-"
"No it is not a stab in the back when you do it openly and from day one. How are we going to win anything politically, peacefully going forward?"
"Outreach to minorities and new arrivals who hold no allegiance to us. Nations always need new arrivals to replenish population stocks and grow."
"Or pro-natalism could be encouraged in the tax code-"
"I will not stand for government largesse to waste tax dollars on messing with people's private lives!"
>Erickson drinks from Big Gulp, starts sweating pure bacon grease<
"This is a special edition of my show where I open up the phone lines, which I don't normally do, but it dawned on me after years of doing this that I could eat while others talked. Who wants to listen to my whiny voice anyway that has no Southern accent, must've been all those years living in Dubai. We have a Norman, sorry Normie Neet calling from Memepolchan, must be one of the new disadvantaged refugee cities I have heard about via strong fitlers of news but I hear they have good food. Normie, what is your question?"
"Erick, be honest, why would someone with the surname Erickson name their kid Erick? Is it stupidity?"
"My parents were not stupid. Find Jesus in your heart caller. Do you have a real question?"
"At what point did it kick in that there would be no negotiated surrender?"
"Now wait a minute >sets the IV of gravy into his arm< There is plenty that we can still do. They won't have a supermajority in the Senate until 2026. The cartels can't expand here like they've done with the powersharing in the Southwest. That also depends on Geroge P. Bush taking Texas out of the union assuming his role as the hybrid Messiah for a true Tejano identity."
"Stop. There weren't 10,000 fucking Mexicans in Texas in 1900. The Anglos made the desert bloom. Fucking bloom. Ever notice how nothing improves when the Anglos move out? Have you seen California? That won't be the Republic of Texas. It'll be a mongrel bastard unless we all leave for it. You didn't answer my question."
"We can set terms with Hillary and even if we turn in our guns. She said they'd be nice and only limit the immigration to 20 million more per decade-"
"No, everyone knows what you'll do with the Democrats. I meant when did you realize there would be no negotiated surrender with us?"
>Erickson shits out a Wendy's number 8 combo, looks at the fries, but holds back<
"Wait, are you one of the meme war veterans. Trace it, >squeals< trace the call."
>Grabs a box of krispy kreme donuts, eats dozen and box included, starts eating the fries from the Wendy's combo<
"Yes, totalitarianism came to America wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross, except it was the Left's totalitarian communist system and the idiots waving the flag and carrying the cross distracted us from seeing it and shouting us down as bad Christians for objecting to it. How much of SuperPAC money goes to your detail? Maybe not enough."
>Erickson look at bank balance on cell phone, praises Jesus for the material wealth, promises self he will start the diet and lifting tomorrow for the millionth time<