Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Nixon's Super Tuesday Call

"Honey, just stay upstairs. I'm ordering my Make America Great Again hat... red."

"You're not wearing that in public."

"I'm ordering a red one for vacation. Look, Pax Dickinson has one and his is the frickin hunter camo one."

"Just because Pax Dickinson did it doesnt mean you should too."

"I'm ordering it and trolling with it all summer long."

>phone rings<

"Landry residence."

"Did I not tell you? Did I not tell you that he could do it kid? You doubted me. You doubted he'd last past Thanksgiving."

"Yes, yes you did, but you also said he needed a groundgame. He still does not seem to have much and never spends any money."

"He does not have to. His name is the draw. The media is going to give him airtime purely for being a loudmouth billionaire. He is a jack in the box for them if they put him on air and they will never quite know what he might say. Suddenly, everyone is talking about your reporter getting to Trump, when really he got to your audience. Every interview with someone else always goes back to Trump, and it is always to catch that rabbit."

"I have seen the stats where Trump is outspent 10-1 or 30-1 and he still wins. It is absurd. At some point he has to spend money. I'm starting to think he is not worth even a billion. You were wrong, no one confronted him."

"Jesus Christ. I didn't think they were that sackless. The balls of miniature poodles. How the hell did my party come to rely on a first term Senator with no accomplishments, no guts and a lisp?"

"Nixon, it is a bit your fault. You were too tough to handle, so they have been picking easy to mold candidates early on. Rubio got his law degree from a crackjack box-"

"Think he is popping pills?"

"Of couse, but look, he got his crap law degree and then has worked one of those legal sinecure jobs that are just annual bribery to keep legislation and contracts going to a firm and their clients. Rubio is the Hispanic Obama,"

"Not as smart."

"Not as gay. The neocons loved him. There is the problem. They settled on him quickly. How many months ago did they drop Bush for Rubio?"

"Snow had not even fallen. That dynasty dies. Why the hell did anyone think Jeb Bush could pull a rabbit out of a hat in 2016. Man talked like it was the Clinton era every time he opened his mouth."

"The dynasty is not dead. His son awaits his big shot in the 2020s. If Jeb can raise $150 million out of thin air, then his son will do the same in a decade."

"This the cross eyed one, the ugly one or the drug addict."

"That's the same one but that's the daughter."

"Jesus Christ."

"George P. He is on Twitter. Taunt him. I do. Someone has to remind that big enchilada that we know the score with that traitor family. Do you think Rubio is done? He has the entire conservative media on his side and the big donors."

"Kid, he is the first politician I have ever seen give three victory speeches before winning his first goddamn primary. He has the entire state's machine behind him in South Carolina and he puffed up his chest about finishing .1% higher than Ted Cruz and ten points back of Trump. He isn't black, so only a goddamn queer would peacock over these phony wins."

"It's part of the frame though. He always meets or beats expectations in their eyes which becomes the message to the voters."

"They aren't listening. They don't read those jackasses. Look at Tuesday night. Look at what happened as Virginia came rolling in. The exit polls pointed to a Trump victory. Might have been 3 points, mightve been 9. All pointed to a victory. They called it and then pulled it back. The entire establishment kept hoping and hoping for Virginia to come in for Rubio. I read their tweets. It was like kids waiting for a snow day, and then the principal said, "School is in session". Virginia was called and they threw a goddamn tempertantrum unseen since the previous day."

"Oh so you saw the absurd freak out over the KKK thing."

"That was an embarassment. The GOP spends decades fighting KKK smears and then they conjure it up out of nothing to smear the guy they don't like. Absurd. If Jennifer Rubin wants to name and shame people, start with herself and name and shame every nimwit who jumped along on that ride. When Rubio mentioned it at a rally speech, you knew it was for retards. Rubio signals something is incredibly dumb by how fast he jumps on it."

"It was powerful. It did sway some last second deciders."

"But it plays into Trump's game. Trump's entire campaign is the system hates you and doesn't care but I care and I'm in this with you. Part of his appeal is being the underdog despite being the front-runner. It's genius... but in that is every single time he says do not trus the media, the GOP media forgets that this includes them. They forget that FoxNews and their ilk sold the little people on Iraq and tried to sell them on amnesty. Now the little people shouldn't trust FoxNews. If Trump can possibly turn people away from Fox, Murdoch is fucked and he won't let it happen."

"People will clear out."

"And what then? Trump wins' 3 way match ups. Trump will gain momentum with wins as the bandwagon builds. John Kerry won Iowa and never looked back, yet no one gave him a shot with 3 weeks to go befor Iowa. It's over though. It is over. Trump's got this one in the bag."

"How can you be certain? They leak something new every hour. I have heard so many tales and so many scenarios that it makes my eyes hurt reading all of them."

"Kid, if you read 10 plans that means they have no concentrated effort. They decided after Iowa to support Rubio, not the winner Cruz. They decided to pin their hopes on the sweaty rookie. He was their plan. It failed. Cruz is not leaving the race. Every win he gets, and God bless him for winning his home state, means he has credibility to stay in. Every week he stays in, he knifes Rubio some more. When Rubio sits in 3rd behind Trump and Cruz it shuts him out of delegates and even emotional victories. He can sideline Rubio this year, and if Trump fails in 2016, Cruz can position himself well in 2020 with no Rubio to worry about. Cruz wins no matter what."

"Would they rally around Cruz though versus Trump?"

"Bullshit. That Carolina faggot Lindsey Graham mentioned it one week after saying you could kill Cruz and the Senate would not convict you. They hate Cruz because they fear if he went in, they would not be able to control him. Cruz is LBJ with an odd dose of Messiah in him."

"And Trump isn't going to freeze them out?"

"Who is Trump going to staff everything with? He will need them. He will not need all of them, and God bless him if he appoints even on Arabist, but there are only so many paleocon and old hands left. A generation of neocon patronage and choking of tributaries makes for an empty pool. They will make nice with Trump."

"It might have already started. I see Murdoch said maybe play nice, and the Koch brothers are holding back. Sheldon Adelson is quiet."

"Watch old Adelson. When Trump said neutral on the Israeli/Palestinian issue, it was earth shaking. On that stage, for chrissake, on any stage since 2000, that is a major step. Trump did that for one of two reasons: one, he knows Adelson is already going to back Clinton or two, he was throwing out a threat to Adelson to get him to back him. The big problem for the Jews is the BDS movement is going after Israel now and the US State Department is warming to Iran. Do the Jews go back full throttle to the Democrats after firm up their support of Israel to keep it viable or do they play with Trump as they take time to figure out a long term fix? Might be easier to hop back to the Democrats."

"Democrats don't need the money or the handful of Trotskyist pundits. Still think they win in November?"

"Yes. Kid, the GOP is either going to knife Trump in the back in the general or Obama is going to mobilize illegals and non-citizens to vote in every goddamn swing state in America."

"But what if blacks do break for Trump at 20-25%? I've seen the numbers. If they do that, Trump crushes her in Florida, Ohio and even Michigan and Pennsylvania."

"Now that is daydreaming. The more likely scenario is they do not show up in November in big numbers. The other likely situation is they revert to the norm of 90-10 not 97-3 like they voted for Obama. This is why the GOP hates this Trump thing because they legitimately see this as a good chance for them. They are wrong. Now if Trump pushed that to 15%, she is in big trouble, but how many percentage points is his mogul lifestyle worth?"

"They got their guy in the White House. They're still fucked because it's their own fault. But, Trump's whole kick the illegals out is good for them. That has to be worth 5-10%. They got cleaned out of Compton."

"What's the magic of Compton?"

"It was a big rap thing in the '90s. They all referred to that city in songs."

"Mexicans now run it?"

"Well blacks still hold political office but it's all Mexicans there throwing bottles and harassing the few black families left. Trump might do it. Maybe the realignment I predicted was wrong and that the new realignment will be a citizens realignment. Trade a few Jews for millions of working class voters in key states and 300 electoral votes seems reachable. It'd be national populism, couldn't say national socialism, but it'd be very similar."

"Hmmm, Democrats do need Israel loving Jews. Who else is going to teach the Mexicans and blacks to pray for Tel Aviv?"

"Good point. But dammit, Nixon, doesn't it look good for Israel right now with the coming carving up of the Middle East?"

"We're disengaging, kid. This is an empire in decline. The Russians are in the skies bombing the shit out of the State Department and CIA's little warriors. We have to tell them where our special forces are on the hopes that they don't kill our boys. If a Sunnistan and Kurdistan pop up, this would help Israel as an ethnostate gain legitimacy but is it going to happen? At this rate, Assad is going to encircle rebels and let the Russians bomb the hell out of them to soften them up. That map of ISIS controlled area is a lot of wide open desert. There is no there there. It's wide fucking open with a few cities."

"Still irks me how they moved 150 miles in open desert and took Palmyra to blow the ruins up. I want to write about the loss but it makes me so goddamn angry."

"Kid, Jews and liberals don't give a shit about ancient Roman and Christian sites. Be thankful the Hagia Sophia is a moneymaker for Turkey."

"That bothered my grandfather. Constantinople he would say. Deus vult, one day."

"The world order is unraveling. Look at Europe. Your next European vacation will be behind the new Iron Curtain, except this one will be to keep Muslims out. I hear Warsaw is nice. Some beauties over there."

"Yeah I dated a Russian and some eastern euros. Good people. Makes sense they will fight the invasion."

"They've dealt with invaders before but this time they have air forces and tanks at their disposal. It isn't going to happen again. They will be far superior soldiers and pilots compared to anything the Arabs will throw at them."

"Arabs will be pretty stocked though with all the equipment we sell."

"Ever seen the Saudis win a war? Kid, they are horrible fighters. They bluff and bluster for the Syrian escapade is bullshit. The Saudis want to fight the Iranians to the last American. They use us, and that is a shame on the Bush family. We entered an agreement with them, not servitude."

"You think they fall? Looks pretty dicey for them."

"They can always find a new patron. China can help them or even the Russians. Their interests align much closer."

"I agree on that but it looks terrible for them with the Yemen war going poorly and then oil cracking below $30."

"Only way the Saudis get fucked is if we got our nuts back on how to properly handle the third world and secured the oil and kept the fucking profits for us since those are our technicians, our geologists and our boats protecting the oilfields."

"That is not happening."

"Maybe with Trump."

"They will betray him. It's going to happen."

"Never try to lie to a liar, they can tell. Never try to con a con man, he's already 5 steps ahead."

"But is it real? Could he do it?"

"He has money. He has fame. He has power to get things done. He's dealt with the mob of all stripes official and unofficial. What more could he want? He saw New York get saved under Mayor Rudy and Bill Bratton. What if he were the man to save America?"

"How the fuck am I going to tell my kids a casino magnate saved America?"

"You won't. He can delay death and he can alter the demographic mix if successful, but the fissures that are here now will not be healed. Hispanic, Asian, black, white, but what do you see in these primaries? White liberals turning on blacks who are too dumb to not vote for Bernie. White liberals who are suicidal in their demand for more Muslim immigrants. White conservatives writing liberals off and realizing the racist label doesn't matter when the nation is on the line. The Left's rhetoric of die now old whitey is going to bump into whites with families who have their shit together. Let the Left try to keep Hispanics with blacks with Asians with gays with shims. This sucker is going down kid."

"Christ man, can't I have a positive."

"I have a regular card game and it's me, Churchill, FDR, LBJ and Hitler. Yamamoto joins sometimes. Wouldn't expect a Jap to be that good buthe is a damn fine player."

"Who is the best?"

"FDR, he looks like a prick no matter what hand he is dealt."

"Who is the worst?"

"Hitler. His grabs that mustache the moment he has a hand."

"I would've thought LBJ'd be good. He's a Texan."

"He's also a goddamn loudmouth. I want to teach Bismarck or Metternich poker to replace him."

"It's falling apart, so what the hell do I do?"

"Tend to your family, your friends, your neighbors. Grow your family. If you feel politically inclined, fund candidates to get secession going. Restore order but start in your home."

"I know you're stuck down there, but hey, my wife's pregnant with our third."

"Congratulations, boy or girl?"

"Don't know yet."

"If a boy, you-"

"could name it Richard, yeah I knew it-"

"No, you would have an heir and a spare. Your children are your legacy. Take care, kid."

"Good night Nixon. Hey why didn't you bring up Obama?"

"Jesus Christ... who in America wants to talk about that faggot anymore?"


Alexandros HoMegas said...


T.S. Weaver said...

Great writing as always Ryan! I appreciate narrative pieces like this from time to time, they are a good change of pace.

Thorgeir said...

Really? Expecting another baby? Excellent!

Son of Brock Landers said...


Toddy Cat said...

Always enjoy your Nixon calls. And congratulations! My your son one day be President of our new, free country...

Portlander said...

Congratulations on the baby on the way! Got three myself. Couldn't imagine life any other way. It is my greatest joy seeing them cut-up and riff off each other.

"Think he is popping pills?"

Lines. Rubio is irrelevant now, so there's no need for Trump to go all the way there, but certainly in Trump's unique style he was letting on he knew what was up with all his sweaty Rubio jokes and mocking over water bottles. Hell yeah, Trump knew what was up! He married a model and lived in NYC through the 70's and early 80's.

For the rest of us laughing along in the cheap seats, I submit to you:

How is the GOPe going to win the White House? First-term Senator, First-term Senator, First-term Senator!!!"

Anonymous said...

Clinton will be our next president. Life will go on

DCThrowback said...

Fun read as usual and congrats on the third. That's superb news!

Toddy Cat said...

"Clinton will be our next president. Life will go on"

Everything always goes on, until it doesn't. There's a lot of ruin in a country, but not an infinite amount. We'll see, on both statements. But I do know that the belief that things will keep rolling along in the same old grooves no matter what happens is, as Orwell put it, "a product of too much money, too much security, and a lack of knowledge of the way things actually happen in the world". Would President Hillary be the thing that pushes the U.S. over the tipping point? I have no idea, but I do know that there is such a point out there, and we are a lot closer to it than we were a few years ago, or even six months ago. Interesting times...

PRCD said...

Congratulations on the third! This feels like it was written to me. I have three young boys myself.