Monday, November 09, 2015

A GOP Smart Set Monologue

Overheard at a Catalina wine mixer...

"What are you even talking about? Oh, that I am in the tank for Rubio? Oh well, look you fringe, conspiracy theory reading, anti-gay peckerwood, I am intrigued by Rubio's position on important issues, ya know. He speaks so well. He is a fresh face. He is conservative. About what? Look, I don't have time for that shit, but I know that guy won't run when Israel is threatened. He will not let our greatest ally down. That reminds me >fumbles with Iphone< I have to order my new Israeli flag pin. Jonathan Pollard? Who is that? Oh, he served his debt to society. He should walk as an old man. I'm a lawyer, trust me, I know this stuff. Treason? Ehh, have you been to the Holy Land? The Israelis keep our shrines safe.

My man Rubio. What a man? He speaks so well, and in Spanish, too. I only know "uno baile mas" that I learned at a strip club. Strange how all the Mexican strippers here in California puff out like popcorn at 25. But Rubio's parents came here for freedom, and look at what heights he reached! Sure, he has no real accomplishments in life and is in debt, but he has worked his way up Florida's political ladder to run for president. That is something. Donors? Yeah, he has the best donors, ya know. Great Americans like Adelson, Singer and Finkelstein. They love him, which is proof of how good he is for America. These donors have backed some impressive nominees in the past and other top notch senators.

I heard this before when I backed Jeb, and ya know what, it's bullshit. They are entirely different men. Jeb was old news and weak. I was nostalgic for the glorious first term of W. Dude, we did things then. Marco is different. Rubio listens to old school rap and is cool. You know, now that you mention it, he and Jeb share virtually all of the same positions. That's proof of just how great of a choice Rubio is. Smart stances. Rubio is Reagan-esque. He isn't weak like Jeb, but what? Oh you want to know what Rubio has done versus Jeb? Uhh, let me Google that. Shit, coming up empty. Gossip says he did get hair transplants. He's a good looking guy, and man, his wife is hot. Manuel, two more shiraz over here.

He can beat Hillary. I know Rubio can. I read it on National Review and on the 100 conservative twitter accounts I follow that use South Park themed avatars and cite '80s movies. They are really witty. They know what's best for conservatives, ya know, and preserving America. Dana Loesch supports open borders the same as all major corporations and media outlets. Dana Loesch is hot. Oh shit, I hired a girl off Backpages just cause she looked like her. I brought horn rimmed glasses and told her to keep them on and talk about guns as we fucked. I see her once a month now. Always thought it was weird how RedState pushed Perry and when his campaign ran out of money they had to change their staff. We won in '14, and that's what matters!

Fuck Trump! Fuck limiting immigration. Fuck his wall. They don't work. Oh Israel's wall works? Well, maybe it just works for them, ya know, because of the desert. You're right there's a lot of desert in the American southwest. You guys tried that no more immigration shit here in California 20 years ago, and I told you then it was a bad idea. Immigration has helped us so much. The food is great. Remember, after my divorce, when I dated that Indian girl Gita Punani? I still eat chicken saag, but never found someone who could top her BJs. She called it advanced massage techniques. Diversity via immigration is a joy!

Look at us here in California. Shit, my kid is in private school now, but hey, I wasn't going to send him to our good school that turned bad. Too many fights on the school bus, ya know, not for my only son. There were a lot of English as a second language students too slowing things down. It just wasn't a good school anymore despite the same education spending. I can afford private thankfully. Running the Foreclosure Prevention division has earned the firm millions and kept people in their homes for an additional 6 months. It's a good deal. I made partner, and that's what matters, ya know.

If you guys nominate Trump, I'm fucking walking. I'll vote straight line GOP like always except for president. I'll go third party or, ya know, write in Joe Montana. I just thought of that 'cause it is football season. Gotta order a new jersey. My presidential vote doesn't matter in this state anyway. Actually lemme think about it. You know... Rubio and Hillary have almost the same platform and beliefs. She likes Israel, too! Holy shit, I did not know that. You know what? Fuck you guys, I'm going to support Hillary if Rubio doesn't get the nom. Since we control Congress, no way are my taxes going up, and Israel will stay safe. Fuck yeah!"


peterike said...

It's funny because it's true. So many cuckservative tropes all rolled into one guy! Nicely done, though I felt a bit ill by the end of it, knowing that these types of schmucks are precisely the foot soldiers and leaders of the national GOP.

As for Rubio, he's the Cuban Obama -- an empty vessel of no ideas and no accomplishments, there to do the bidding of others. At least Rubio is straight.

PA said...

You know that young Iraq vet with no legs, colostomy bag, missing one hand? He's the one talking to that pig-stupid Puerto Rican nurse's aide at the VA clinic right now.

He did it for those guys.

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

So true. This is how they talk.

Son of Brock Landers said...

LBF - I had a memory of a conversation with a scrap metal exporter in Huntington Beach from 2003 in my mind. It's how I envision him talking about election 2016. Divorced, rich, oversexed, oblivious to life, banged hot younger women who were usually exotic types. Politically involved but was unaware of what the hell was going on in his state.

I knew his son, whom he sent to the best schools but was just going to hand over the business anyway. Useless waste, but wanted his boy to be an Ivy Leaguer. He lucked into taking scrap from Cali and sending it to China, boosting his biz an order of magnitude. He was just an order taker. I went out to visit his son and had an awesome week in the OC, beautiful place. The scrap metals exporter throws a giant bbq-wine mixer-party on the Friday before I left and when his "girlfriend" that was half his age shows up, the place is suddenly flooded with hot chicks who looked like they had just walked off the beach (bikinis and sarongs). Some were "working girls". It was basically a pageant for his business clients to bang hot young women.

My week in the OC in 2003 I could turn into a book or movie. I think I encountered every single California stereotype and cliche, including a hookup with a cute, Whole Foods surfer chick who "taught" me to surf. The ocean beat me that day.

Thorgeir Lawspeaker said...

Pretty much the only difference between this and the way my right-leaning legal colleagues here in BigLaw-istan talk is that the latter are all too terrified of the sexual harassment Mau Mau to include the explicit adultery talk.

Portlander said...

Scrap metal, eh? China implosion couldn't have happened to a nicer guy I'm sure.

Of course, like all the other self-made millionaires that got that way by the luck of being in the right place at the right time when some macro-trend hit, he'll blame all his woes on some one else, rather than admitting it was all luck to begin with, and, ultimately, it had a sell-by date from day one.

FWIW, my expectation is that WS crashes the market (well, crashes isn't quite the word for it, stops propping-up would be the more correct term) to a) spite Trump and b) create the narrative that this is what happens when Paleo-cons & rubes in fly-over country elect some xenophobic populist without a resume (read skeletons) the establishment can leverage to their bidding.

It's the oldest one in the book. They've been doing it to banana republics for years. The locals elect some anti-global-bank-cartel guy for president, and the next week capital flees the country, some ratio or other in their loan convenants goes the wrong way and they find themselves on the hook for a balloon payment and a doubling of the interest rate, which they obviously can't cover, creating the perfect storm of an adverse positive-feedback loop.

For that matter, it wouldn't be the first time they've done it here in the US either.

Nathan Hale said...

Do the Cuckservatives have any idea what the demographic changes they're complicit in mean for elections?

Some people believe it's already over.

Today, respected pollster Stan Greenberg suggested that the "the Republican Party has already lost the country at a national level." He largely attributes this to demographics -- but the only candidate who I think could appeal to a slice of the Democratic base is Trump. Namely, single women, poor whites, etc. Regarding this group, Greenberg writes: "The Democratic message and agenda tested in this poll— particularly protecting Social Security from benefit cuts, policies to help working families like equal pay, and reforming government so it works for the middle class—get their attention."

I don't see how a Bush, Rubio, or Kasich could possible beat Clinton. Identity politics will crush the Chamber of Commerce.