As any good Yankee, I stopped looking at cat gifs, my Iphone, the Daily Show and Internet porn long enough last week to see the outrage over the Confederate flag. I had not thought of that flag in years since an old girlfriend wore it as a bikini top for a Rednecks + White Trash Party. Still, the media told me that I should be angry about it. Since I am emotionally constipated like any good American and no celebrity of high stature had died that week, I too became outraged and angry. It got me thinking. It's time we let the South go.
Here is my multipoint plan. This is a rough sketch, but when has that ever stopped a Yankee on a crusade.
1. All states of the old confederacy are ejected out of the United States.
2. Borderland states not formerly part of the Confederacy but full of enough evil white people that I suspect are confederates by thought if not mood should be given the option to leave. This would be Oklahoma, Missouri, Kentucky, West Virginia, Illinois and even you Indiana. I know you had the Klan active in the 20th century, bigotlords.
3. As any good Yankee, I have much love for my black brothers and sisters, sorry, my black bruthas and sistahs. I would guarantee safe passage, and house these angelic refugees in the progressive states of Massachusetts, Maine, Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Vermont. Those states have the great schools that blacks have been dying to enter. We'll find jobs for them... eventually.
4. For borderland states, it would be best to save the large metropolitan areas of Chicago and St. Louis as American colonies, while allowing the remaining riffraff of flyover neaderthals to separate. These cities will shine with bright blue lights as beacons of the progressive American spirit. I can just see flashing blue lights and sirens blasting every night in those cities, trumpeting the victory of progressivism over hate!
5. Looking at the map, it might be best to chuck out a bunch more of those flatland, square states. Fuck you flyover hicks! Complaing????? Go tell it to Jesus!
6. Since we good Yankees reject warfare, nukes and violence, we will transfer military equipment, nuclear submarines and nuclear weapons to those stupid crackers. We've got smart diplomacy, and we're not afraid to use it.
This would be a great boon for the remaining United States. We progressives would see the realization of our 2015 dreams. Renewable energy everywhere, mandatory bike lanes, no nukes, no more war, gay men could spend all the time alone with small children they want, and the crown jewel, Nationalized Health Care. Did you read that? I know your Yankee eyes may have blacked out as you orgasmed over the idea of being an arts history major but knowing your parents can rest easy and say "At least we know she has health insurance". It could all be America's if only we kicked those Yosemite Sam acting, Foghorn Leghorn talking, sundress wearing assholes out! Let's do this!