Monday, April 06, 2015

When Nixon Calls


“Good evening, is this Mr. XXXX McXXXX?”

“Yes, speaking, if this is telemarketing I’m not interested, your number is weird. ID says Sullivan and Cromwell. Am I inheriting something or is there a lawsuit of some kind?”

“That’s our legal representation up there. My call is routed through their switchboard. This is President Richard Nixon speaking, I’m calling to chat with a young man who spent time defending me.”

“Ian, if this is revenge for prank calling your dad 15 years ago, it’s weak and obvious.”

“Now listen here, what do I need to prove to you… it’s bad enough I’m separated down here from Pat, and my mother, saint that she was, walked right into the pearly gates, no delay.”

“Oh wow, hey President Nixon, what’s up?”

“I’ve got a special notification when people check the Nixon library and are under 25. I tried reaching you over a decade ago, but you didn’t have a phone number. How does a young, working man not have a phone number? I’ve been getting pats on the back from guys here for the Watergate theory and then my vision of what’s wrong with the goddamn West writing. Not a lot of people rehabbing my image.”

“I just write a blog. I’ve used a cell for years. We just got the landline with a Comcast package deal.”

“A what?

“Forget it, technical talk. What’s the call for Mr. President?”

“Call me Dick.”

“How about Nixon, no one under 50 goes by Dick anymore.” >thinks for second, probably due to Nixon<

“Dick’s a good name. What is wrong with people? It’s tough down here, I’ve got few people to engage with in good conversations, and Safire’s dead, so no more calls to him.”

“Jeez, did you see Jeb Bush said he doesn’t read the Times? Fucking-A, what a great jab, he’s a very weak front runner, and I doubt he makes it.”

“Never gave his father too much power. Man was soft, kind of daft at moments, too. Seemed more CIA-businessman type than skilled politician to me. He wasn’t Jerry Ford, but Ford you could mold and massage into a usable man. Shocked me Bush did not jump ship with the rest of the Northern Republicans in the ‘70s. His other son, what a disaster. What I wouldn't have given for a tailor made enemy striking home territory at the start of my presidency. This one. Jeb. How can you be a serious  candidate being called Jeb? Jeb’s chance at the presidency ended right after the levees broke in New Orleans.”

“What do you think the future holds for the GOP?”

“They’ll sell out more before the entire thing implodes. They never want to play tough, they always think there are rules, never just shut up and play to grab power and squash the other guy. Scared being ruthless would hurt how people view them. They’re already viewed as Klansmen crossed with Nazis. Wouldn’t hurt to live up to a tenth of that reputation for cutthroat behavior.”

“You think Walker could reform the system at all? I don’t see Cruz, Paul, or dum dum Rubio as anything but VP options.”

“Bah, not too much. The bad is all baked into the cake. He’d figure out something for efficiency, since he screwed over the public unions in faggy progressive Wisconsin, but the cabal would portray him as Satan if Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies on his watch. FDR’s boys are still in control... that damn Eastern racket. Cocksuckers.”

“Dems had a plan in ’12 for Ginsburg if Obama lost.”

“Kill her?”

“No, Jesus Nixon, force her out, if she resisted, declare her incompetent. Only takes 3 doctors. Harry Reid would push it along. That’s the new thing now, use medicine and psychiatry to eliminate and marginalize people.”

“Now there’s a cocksucker who knows the rules of the game. Wonder if he’ll be assigned to our section if he comes down here.”

"No one uses cocksucker anymore. It's motherfucker for 'go-to' multi-syllable insult to another man."

"Strange. Must be more insulting to think a guy fucks his mom than sucks cock."

"Yeah, actually the homos are the new angels now. Even got gay marriage in Indiana."

"Jesus Christ. If they filmed the things I saw in Bohemian Grove, no one would think a gay man ever wants to marry."

"Well except the fat ones, but not the child molester fat gays-"

"Oh we have plenty of them down here. Tubby bastards who couldn't resist. The newer ones say it is just a disease."

“Nixon, you keep saying down here. In all of Safire’s phone calls with you, he said you were calling from purgatory.”

“Kid, I thought you were onto the game… you believed something a Jew wrote in the NY Times?”

>10 seconds of laughter<

“Sorry about that, should’ve known. What was the cause for your assignment?”

“Mass bombing, the scores of the dead. Guess I never properly felt sorry for it. We were negotiating with the enemy and our allies and even our boys were at risk. Most of the big leaders are down here. Kid, I'm pretty sure Hitler's a fag.”

“Can FDR walk in hell?”

“This is hell. The blind cannot see, and the gimps cannot walk. He gets beaten pretty badly by the Pentagon guys regularly, so I doubt he could walk if the Lord almighty restored his legs.”

“I’ve got to ask, what do you think for FDR’s creation? Some up here are calling us now the Empire of Chaos.”

“There is no grand strategy. Name something, anything that the faggots in Foggy Bottom can make work or that makes sense and is applicable around the globe? There is nothing, not a thing. In the Middle East, there’s not a replicable job between two nations. The handling of Libya, was goddamn atrocious from the start, differed from Egypt, where the boys in the army outsmarted them, differed from Syria, where Assad is playing as ruthless as possible while pumping out as much propaganda PR as the West, differed from Iraq-ISIS-ISIL whatever it is called. The media, that cabal of traitors, cannot or will not name the reality that behind these oddball dictators there are their patrons. No one bothers to look at Kissinger’s books or my memoirs to see how each time we approached the Vietnamese we also had to run flags across the Chinese and Soviets.”

“What do you make of the whole Iran thing?”

>inaudible mumbling<

“You there, Nixon?”

“Something does not feel right about the rapid cave in by the dandies in the White House? It's just a strange dance that doesn't go anywhere but towards Iranian goals. This is the same mulatto-“

“No one uses mulatto anymore, Nixon, it’s biracial.”

“From the looks of him, more like bisexual. >laughs at own joke< This Obama is putting a hurt to Ukrainians to damage Russia as he lets just about every Russian-Jewish émigré get their licks in including the giant himself, George Soros, but he is going to toss those Jews homeland’s bitter enemy a lifeline, legitimacy and protection to develop nukes. Makes no goddamn sense. If the pussies in State think they can juggle the Saudis, the Jews and the Iranians at the same time, they are lying. Did anyone in State consider that our advantage in signal intelligence would be nullified by a war on Russia’s border when they can hand deliver messages by motorbike and solve the SigInt disadvantage issue using old technology???”

“I hear you, but the lack of support for the Iranian Green revolution makes sense since they had started direct talks then. It also implies something strange brewing if our State-CIA folks supported the Green protests but the White House did not. The 5+1 talks are a decade in the works. Better to neutralize them a bit and remove them as a thorn for moves in the Middle East.”

“Then why unleash Stuxnet, why still proxy battle them for years? It’s making them a client, and the US is stupid if they think the Chinese and Russians will let that happen with all of the years of supporting their rogue regime. The other thing to remember is that the Iranian people are tied to their Persian idea. Ever meet an Iranian in America? They always call themselves Persian? A lost empire and lost glory years will have them itching for more and more in the Middle East.”

“Think they win in the Shia-Sunni fight?”

“No, but that is why the bomb is so important to them. It makes up for fewer numbers. People talk of them nuking Israel. True. But a much closer target would be Riyadh, and even closer are the oil fields like Ghawar. Plus, the psychopathic export of Islam are the Wahabbis who are Sunni and Saudi funded. The Iranians could use their nukes to wipe out Sunni Arab rivals and pitch it as a good thing to everyone else.”

“Yes, burn kebab source.”


“Nothing. Go on.”

“The Saudis will want their bomb, and their Sunni pals in Pakistan will give them the technology, maybe even just send their bombs over that they move around in trucks.”

“But if the Iranians ever did go after the Saudis with nukes, wouldn’t the Pakis respond in kind?”

“And leave themselves vulnerable to the Hindus? Bah.”

“I doubt the Indians would step to them.”

“What is step to them?”

“Like make a charge. I think it’s from rap music or black sports slang.”

“Rap music. Lord >inaudible mumble< those assholes make it down here. India could in an attempt to settle some scores, plus if the nationalism tide continues as the US empire shrinks, the Hindu Nationalists might welcome this. You see India’s cities? Not even once. I wouldn’t step foot there again. They could take a Maoist approach and consider losing tens of millions a net gain.”

“That’s pretty dark Nixon.”

“I’m in hell, and these flames aren’t purifying me. Some of the talk from guys I meet rub off on me. The Vietnamese generals had no care about how many teenagers they sent down the trail to die. Their birth rate was high and their lives were miserable up there. It all goes back to domestic political needs for your voters and your patrons.”

“Don’t get me started. All our voting is now practically locked by race, gender, religion. It’s terrible. We’ve got 200 lb tattooed women screaming that 1 in 5 women get raped while in college-“

“Wait, a 200 lb woman with tattoos… Jesus Christ, are these circus sideshow acts?”

“They could be, but Nixon, listen to me, I know more women with tattoos than men. In fact, I think more women get them now than men.”

“My God.”

“Yeah, don’t get me started. I’ve got a daughter. She’s a toddler but probably 4 years away from having friends that wear sweatpants with juicy written on the ass.”

"What does juicy even mean?"

"It's like a sweet bottom that has got some shape to it... that you just want."

"That actually makes no sense from a metaphor standpoint. Juicy breasts makes more sense, but is just as crass. Is this another black thing?"


“They sell pants to little girls with juicy written on the bottom?”

“Yes, bought by their own mothers.”


“Look Nixon, you had two daughters married off young. Times have changed. Have you looked at marriage stats?”

“I don’t quibble with those numbers, that started going down once they moved to no fault divorce.”

“Yeah, strange ‘60s change. Thanks Nixon!”

“I didn’t do that. That was a state thing, even Reagan signed divorce reform. It was for all those faggot college boys who didn’t want to go to Nam. Their college deferment was gone, so they had to get married young for that deferment to get beyond the draft’s upper limit. Once they were old enough, they needed their no fault way out.”

“That’s pretty slick, Nixon. >thinks about one uncle who got married right out of college to a psychopath in the ‘60s< I don’t think divorce reformers were that Machiavellian. It was probably just to destabilize the family.”

“Yes, the cabal thinks they can keep everyone under control. Henry and my petrodollar actually helped them. We didn’t think they’d run the debts up by the trillions.”

“Hate to break it to you, but the petrodollar is dead or close to dying.”


“Yeah, it might be a premature call to say dead now, but it’s on the way out. Chinese are playing this one well.”

“Crafty sons of bitches. If they can hold it together, Christ, you’ll be working under their lash.”

“Don't remind me. So what of FDR’s creation? Will it last?”

“It wasn’t his. He wanted that golden ring of the presidency because he lived in Teddy's shadow. The people pushing him wanted the ring of power. It’s their creation. The Good Government men infiltrated by true believer communists run amok all under the watchful eye of the NY Times. Hard to say it will last, because we feared it would all crack up 40 years ago. The nation had greater unity then. The institutions back then were already tired. We’ll see if they can weather the storm, but I do not think this ragtag team of mediocrities can do it.”

“Yeah, I’m getting more and more certain a break up is coming. I briefly flirted with running for State Treasurer. Using that time to install a state bank like they have in North Dakota as a similar state change to gold and silver moves you see in other states but a government agency so dumb progressives would support it, then run for governor in 2020, calling my primary opponent a Washington DC brainwashed shit, win, spend government revenue on some computer programs for replicating federal money transfers, and then secession in 2025 after re-election. Use IT to replace humans and paperwork in the bureaucracy with computer programs. Eliminate all of those losers and kick them over to Illinois. I know a bunch of INTJs who could be my version of a commie brain trust.”

“My God man that’s far thinking. What happened?”

“Talked with GOP strategists. Beltway guys. Fucking couldn’t look myself in the mirror thinking about their stupidity and bubble mentality. I just do not think it’s possible. Plus the faggots kept talking about the state treasurer role but trying to push running for state rep because I live in a swing district. They wouldn’t listen when I said the dwindling supply of elastic voters in my district was a problem. They could not grasp my platform of making affordable family formation a top concern. Forcing the state universities to cut tuition by 10% immediately. Winner! Hello, everyone hates college costs. I'd be the one politician attacking the rising college costs directly.”

“Why would they bash that?”

“Said the universities would not support them and raise hell.”

“But academics are a bunch of faggots that hate the GOP already?”

I know that. You know that. You said the GOP is scared, but that is not all. The GOP does everything in dumb ways because they forget the media hates them. The governor of Indiana was going to start a state media outlet. Dumb execution of a smart idea. He got attacked immediately and stopped. You can’t be direct in challenging their institutions. Hollow them out, attack them indirectly like Craigslist destroying print media. Pence should’ve gone indirect. Just have your donors or their friends who don’t donate but are likeminded to purchase media outlets through shell companies and then provide state mandated advertising like the anti-smoking required ads to them and that’s your state media arm!”

“We tried something like that with using press releases directly to other outlets. Telling donors to get fellow travelers to purchase media outlets you would then direct advertising to them makes sense.”

“Whatever. I was going to wipe out the welfare system, replace it with a UBI, like you and Moynihan hoped, but not until removing welfare to get undesirables to self-remove. If they could move to Wisconsin for sweet welfare, they can leave Indiana when I implement my modest proposals. My approach was basically ‘Think like Nixon, talk like Reagan, look like a Kennedy.’”

“Now what’s wrong with looking like me? >5 seconds of awkward silence< A lot of unemployed white women out there after that. What would they do?”

“Sit at home and read books with their cats. Probably move to Illinois. What would I care, fucking enablers of the underclass. They are the fat ones I mentioned before and many probably have tattoos, too.”

“Look, kid, someone else out there is planning this, too. You and I both know these political creatures plan out their lives for 20 years, which is why when they screw up, it makes it all the funnier. No one has learned that you can win 49 states and still be chased out if the scandal gets enough press. Look at Eliot Spitzer. He’d be picking out drapes for the Oval Office if he hadn't fucked whores using his credit card. Someone else out there is thinking this, too. The great scheme the Eastern shits created was mostly a pan-European set up with a strong Anglo base forged by a shared struggle through the Depression and World War Two. That’s all gone, and they’ve introduced too many… others… into the mix, forget what they’ve let blacks become. Someone else is planning this as well.”

“I couldn’t put my wife and kids through it.”

“The public eye was hell for Pat. She hated campaigns. Live life, enjoy your family and friends. No one should want to be attached to this when it all comes down.”

“You calling up others and giving pep talks?”

“No, little conservative shits all pray to Reagan, forgetting it was my coalition that he enjoyed, then he had to go and ruin it with amnesty in ’86. Losing California was horrible.”

“Thanks for the long talk Nixon, Safire’s chats with you were shorter.”

“No, the Times limited his word count, plus half the talk was about aches and pains, catching me up on social gossip and bragging about some good deal he just got on a new car.”

“I understand. I’ve got a ‘go to’ Jewish friend too.”

“For opposition research?”

“Partly and other information.”

“Do you trust him?”

“I read the Times but I’m not that dumb.”


“Nice talking to you.”

“Remember, these institutions are all dying. Start building new ones. Never forget, don’t hate your enemies. When you do that, they’ve won.”


Anonymous said...

"You see India’s cities? Not even once."

Nice reference:

PA said...

I believe that this was a real conversation.

Anonymous said...

the conservative media idea is something i've been mulling for a few years now. Fox has dominant market share - because they are the only right-of-center option on TV. the other networks (there are many, depending on how you define it) just split the left-of-center audience. The simplest example is MSNBC+CNN = FOX.

The right needs an MSNBC equivalent - researched, thoughtful. Fox is too easily corrupted by pandering to Roger Ailes. With some competition, they should grow some balls.

Shifting the overton window is important. And - it could be good business as well.

Portlander said...

I like it.

Not that he was the first to come up with the idea, but back in the day, Michael Ledeen would write his column for NR dead-tree with James J Angleton phoning in from beyond the grave.

While my respect for Ledeen has dropped precipitously since the whole yellow cake brouhaha. Those columns were fun.

Suburban_elk said...

"Think like Nixon, talk like Reagan, look like a Kennedy."

So Nixon was a honest thinker, but as for talking like Reagan, that would come across as a pretense because no one talks like that anymore. Reagan was trying to be John Wayne. The Kennedys were good looking but those big heads and graceful builds are neotenous. Flag football.

Either way Nixon's face went south. I remember being surprised hearing how when he was a senator and a young man and aspiring that he was good looking. But all we saw was the caricature of the old man and his jowls.

Kennedy's appearance and public image are the inverse. JFK was a dreamboat but not robust. Whereas Nixon started out from a farm in California but stressed out and died. Nixon may have been the last best chance, but for what? all that 20th century way of life.

Toddy Cat said...

"I believe that this was a real conversation."

except of course if Nixon said that he was in Hell, odds are he's most certainly in Heaven. I respected Nixon, but a more devious man never walked. That was part of his problem - he often outsmarted himself.

NZT said...

Great post, I LOL'ed a bunch of times. If you can get yourself elected governor I'll be in a U-Haul booking it on over within a week.

Charlesz Martel said...

A good friend of mine knew Nixon, worked on his 72 campaign. Went to his Key Biscayne house all the time. He said in real life, he was pleasant and jovial, the total opposite of his TV persona.

The media loved to destroy Nixon. Funny thought- the media claimed he was buying the presidency because his 72 canpaign cost 32 million dollars, IIRC. Compare that to Obama's billion dollars in 2008. The media doesn't even raise the issue now that the democraps have mastered the art of dirty money.

I met George McGovern years later- we had a mutual close friend. He told me there was no personal animosity between him and Nixon (Nixon was dead by this point). He told me they had lunch together after the campaign. It's just politics, because up until this ass clown mulatto monkey, our presidents loved this country. The fact that something that basic (love of country in a president)is now being seriously called into question, is a sobering lesson in how far we've fallen.