Thursday, February 05, 2015

New App: Revolvr

Are you a State Department flunky looking for a promotion? In the CIA looking to refrain from using established assets for operations? You a Pentagon official trying minimize American boots on the ground? Are you George Soros? Well try our new app: Revolvr. Revolvr is an interesting new app to meet the needs of our rapidly changing warfare, insurgency and regime change system. Revolvr gives you the power to select your personal band of merry revolutionaries.

There are 1.4 billion smartphones in the world. One would be shocked to discover how many people living in crapholes developing nations frontier markets have smartphones despite wiping their asses with their hands, not having reliable water, or defecating on the road or in a hole in the ground. This app connects you the financier with potential armed fighters for whatever job you may dream up. It works easy.

1. You create a financier account.
2. You create national job profile with broad mission statement (some financier accounts may have multiple projects, right Mr. Soros).
3. Within the mission nation, you see the app users who are potential fighters as glowing red dots.
4. Click on a warrior (examples: MuhammadJihad99, Igor92NNazi, GDNicosPappadamos) and up pops his warrior profile. He has a few words about himself, a picture, a skill set in his profile and access to weapons. Level of English is explicitly marked on 4 levels from Harvard Accented to Chav to Cabbie to Cousin Marriage Pidgin.
5. Swipe right if you want to invite a user to your mission project. Swipe left if not interested.
6. If the warrior swipes back, you set up a protected channel to discuss the mission and where he may need to be.
7. This works in reverse too because a sexy job profile with an attractive mission statement can have warriors even outside of the hot zone, like in London, Paris and Dearborn, Michigan, swiping all night.
8. Bingo, you are on your way to overthrowing nations.

Not all user accounts are warrior accounts. We also have accounts for propaganda purposes; children you can bandage or ask to play dead for the cameras, face guys who work tech jobs or in academia for the television cameras and women who can cry on command while wailing native language gibberish (Hollywood is jealous and contacted us as their representation). We provide you financiers whether private or state run with a forum to meet interested young, unemployed men (and some women) who are trying to fill the void of modern life or have a little fun in their sand filled lives.

Revolvr is the fastest growing app in the third world and in hot spots around the globe. We have even seen growth in the PIGS nations of the EU. This is all legal. Our legal counsel, Isaac Greenbaum, told us that we just make a market and have nothing to do with what happens between consenting adults. Also our app is not yet licensed in the post-6 day war border regions, "Go Israel!" (was that good enough Ike?). Our app is sold thru the Iphones app platform. We are working on an Android version of the app as you read this.

You say you want a revolution? Well, get your Revolvr!


Portlander said...

Haha! Nicely done. :)

peterike said...

You say you want a revolution? Well, get your Revolvr!

Hey, hey, hey. Everybody knows that "Revolution" was on The White Album, not on "Revolver."

Chris said...

Beautifully done sir.

We'll also need volunteers for false flag operations - iACTR. Imagine it - being able to put down "Boston Marathon Victim #5" or "Jihadi #2 - knife wielder/throat cutter" on your CV. The possibilities are endless!