"My fellow Americans. I am up here tonight to tell you that the media, who elected me over Clinton and McCain in 2008 and Romney in 2012, spent the previous several months whipping up a black and bleeding white heart liberal frenzy over a shooting death in Missouri in the hopes that the voting turnout would be high enough to save a seat or three in the Senate. We also hoped it would get the Milwaukee vote rigging primed enough to unseat Gov. Walker. Media got Christie last year, and we thought we'd take care of Walker this year ourselves. Fuck. That failed despite the GOTV working. After the failure to retain the Senate but more importantly the nationwide revulsion to immigration reform, where I am trying to cram in a few million future Democrats, and even that looks bad. Folks don't like it. Imagine if the folks rioted over that. They, and believe me I have spoken to media members at length off the record of course, have told me that they really did not know what to do with the Brown fiasco because they worked blacks up so much. We had to punt on it as long as possible.
Honestly, I have bigger things on my plate. Look at me, do I look happy and energetic? I am not even AARP eligible yet! I have no legacy. Does anyone like Obamacare? My one hope is in foreign policy, and that looks awful. ISIS is alive despite our bombings because bombings are not going to help anyone but the military industrial complex's bottom line. Assad is laughing at me. Did you see those pics? China just recognized the Crimean referendum so if Anne Applebaum is going to write another op-ed on Putin being Hitler, she's got to find a way to shoehorn a China-Stalin in '40 angle. I don't think the Chinese will like that. We just got our asses handed to us by the Iranians again. Maybe those old stereotypes of crafty Persian merchants were right. We just gave them more time, shifted more money their way, and they still are not collapsing economically despite what all my pro-Israel advisors tell me should happen any day now. It hasn't. I'm at a loss.
So those folks down in Missouri were going to get let down. Holder and I couldn't break it to them because folks are somewhat disadvantaged education-wise and well, Eric got mushy as they are >air quotes< his people >air quotes<. The media could not back down because, if the media spent anytime explaining the truth, they'd miss out on riot ratings and maybe everyone would see they are a bunch of lying sacks of shit. Can't have that because folks need to listen to the media so that they can say neophytes like me have presidential timber, gravitas. You know, the kind of guy you could picture going up against former KGB men in negotiations. Sorry folks, the center cannot hold, the empire falls apart and there will be blood. I'm off for some drinks with Meryl Streep. She was just in for the Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony. I always loved her in Bridges of Madison County. Where are my smokes?"