"So exactly how do we organize our response," asks young Avi Greenburg.
"This is small potat-," starts the NIH director.
"Small potatoes? Are you shitting me you moron," cuts in the president's svengali Val, "How the fuck am I going to cajole lazy bones into amnesty now? That's out the window with immigrants bringing in explosive bloody vomit. A few thousand indio kids could play up the pity part but no one screened them back at the fruit nation airports."
"We paid a pretty penny for those charter planes," cut in the DHS Secretary, "Cut into our hooker fund. I told my boys no Secret Service welching on this year's whores just cuz funding was cut."
"Yes you made the funny 'black box budget' joke last year," chimed in Avi, "Black hookers, brilliant, better value. My dad always says he gets 2 for 1."
"Focus assholes," Val spat, "Those kids were gonna be our shield, our excuse, but fuck if I know where they are now. You asholes can't give us photo ops. Now I got bleeding blacks the rabble can get fired up over and fucking midterms are a month away..."
Val droned on and with the mention of photo ops, young Avi took out his phone and started texting a useful media outlet.
Avi: Hey Matt
Matt: You want me to come over again ;)
Avi: Knock it off. I let you blow me so you'd publish that ridiculous defense of our econ policy
Matt: Wha? Me cuddle with my cat now
Avi: Get Ezra, jump on the new "List" + round up usual suspects for why outbreak is happening and deflect why we ain't doing shit on it. They have no ideas here!
Matt: I'll use racism
Avi: Might be too cliché. But you're such a cheap whore.
Matt: You know it.
Avi: I'm deleting these. Don't need my gf to see this and start thinking.
Matt: My wife doesn't care. Toodles. Gonna make a list of 10 things to know why ebola will never kill an American.
>The fact that the core of USG has no organized plan being the scoop of the year is lost on the journalist, who is just happy to do the Oval Office's bidding. Avi re-enters the conversation with Val still yelling.<
"... and that fucking bitch in Texas had to run a Goddamn advertisement pointing out her opponent's disability. Doesn't she know disabled nice guy, even if he is a cishet, trumps bitchy, divorced abortioning bitch who didn't get custody of her kids? It's a fucking sinking ship. Soros is really pissed that he has to push more money into these midterms instead of his hedges in the market. Speaking of which, we can't have the stock market tank right now as it's the only thing we can point to that looks better than January of 2009."
"Yes, the people have caught onto the dropping unemployment rate through lower Labor Force participation," added Isaac Rosenstein, the domestic policy advisor who 3 months ago was just a speech writer.
"Has anyone called the poof-tus or is he unreachable on the golf course again with his favorite boy toy. Can he be less faggy this fall," asked the 60 year old 3 star general. The room goes silent. Everyone stares at the general.
"You know Tom," Val sighed after using his first name, "you made it six years. Six years as you saw your peers culled. I thought you'd make it. Faggy? I don't care how many of us question our 'poof-tus', you can't use the word faggy. I will expect your resignation in the morning. Look, how can we spin this..."
As Svengali Val began a long tirade on the reliable organs turning on the dear leader, Avi excused himself and made a quick phone call. He had to go to an old college pal who he knew was in biotech.
"Avi, if this is about the Giants' winning the NFC East, I don't have the time," Mike Fairlane half-joked.
"Michael, what the hell can you tell me about ebola," Avi sounded weak, like when he admitted to Mike in college after he was busted having sex in the basement bathrooms in the library in a fit of experimentation, "Someone here mentioned that Glaxosmi-"
"Oh wait, lemme guess GlaxoSmithKline has a vaccine and a cure all set up that hasn't been through FDA testing and just needs the Feds to put in an order for 1,500,000 units," Mike jumped in, "It's bullshit. It won't work, but you suckers will pay them off and cover a bunch of R&D expenses they incurred in some dead ends. Pay off some bad small firm acquisitions they made."
"Can you help," Avi asked almost begging, "Anything, any suggestions?"
"Look Avi, Jimmy Chen and I jumped ship from Merck to make a fortune in anti-aging meds because no one wants to die and not looking like Blake Lively makes women think they will die soon. Remember Jimmy and I were money grubbing middle class kids while you'd run the world with the other shits into campus politics. I'm no help," Mike answered, "What you could do, and should do is simple methods from days of yore: quarantine and stop taking in people who travel from infected nations. Dead Africans is one thing. Dead 10 year old Americans will probably spark that coup you're always scared of."
"Of which I am scared, Jesus Christ Mike, your English is terrible," Avi answered slipping into college pedant mode, "Thanks a ton, later."Avi hung up and jumped back into the meeting. Avi felt pretty good about Mike' simple idea as it was low cost and sensible. Val was still pissed and ranting about the bungled Ferguson narrative that crumbled and isn't sparking black ladies in Ohio and Florida to the polls.
"Forgive if someone has suggested this. Have we simply thought of banning flights from nations with reported cases and quarantining those who come in for the incubation period," Avi refrained from looking smug for the suggestion. Mike was always good for his common sense POV.
"Ooooh it might be bad for the economy," chipped in the former Citigroup executive and now Treasury Secretary, "The West African economies will be hit hard, which would have knock on effects and I don't think we could keep every plate spinning for long."
"Isn't ebola hitting their economy hard," Avi asked, "Quarantine at the least would work-"
"Avi, you are too young to even know this," started the CDC head, "Once, a long time ago, there was a quarantine in 1892. That quarantine was followed by anothah quarantine in tha same year in New York City. You know why they quarantined?"
"Legitimate health concerns," asked Avi.
"No, they were anti-semites. Sure the diseases were brought over by Eastern European Jews," the CDC director continued nearly approaching tears, "but they quarantined our people and that created the groundwork for the Shoah."
"But that makes no sense the quarantine was in New York and the Holocaust was in Ger-"
"Shut up," the CDC stood up, "We can't stop the free flow of anyone, even if they are Africans bleeding out their asses with ebola-AIDS. There cannot be anothah Shoah!"
"Director Frieden is right," Val said as she wrapped an arm around the CDC Director's shaking frame, "We can't let another Shoah happen. Keep the planes coming, let's just use the media to spin this shit our way. All this medical spending will juice GDP anyway. We can get Krugman on that, right?"
"Next Sunday," answered the Treasury Secretary, "Krugman's gotta do some tv spots to support his Rolling Stone essay on how Obama's been a super successful president."
The room erupts in laughter.
"Let's go team, we've got a disease to blame on right wing whites and immigration amnesty to sell," Val clapped her hands as the meeting broke up to guffaws.