Friday, April 25, 2014

Politically Incorrect Guide to People's Most Beautiful Women

PEOPLE magazine has their "most beautiful" issue out. It is pretty awesome to witness the editor's attempt to validate the women who read PEOPLE. They are fooling no one but the women who will flick through the photo collection after debating "who wore it best" at the front of the rag. Let us look at the top ten.

10. Kerry Washington - Kerry at age 37, seems to be a bit old to grab the title of "hot black actress that even white men will project themselves with" from Halle Berry, but it looks like she won the battle against Zoe Saldana. Of course she was cast as the left behind slave wife that Jamie Foxx would trek through the south to save from the slave owner. Never noticed until this picture, but her eyes are different sizes.

9. Stacy Keibler - The 34 year old former WCW wrestling manager turned C list Hollywood arm candy for George Clonney turned reject who quickly married someone no one has ever heard of is in at number nine. She, like Washington, has aged well, but seriously? Do the mid 30s women just having their first kid need to feel sexy because Keibler is on the list?

8. Molly Sims - Feeling less than sexy because you turned 40 ladies? Fret not, Molly is here to remind you that you too can be 40 and still be hot. Sims is pretty, but Sims a dozen years ago should be on this list, not now. What does she need to promote anyway?

7. Gabrielle Union - This is getting ridiculous. Union is 41, and was very hot years ago. She's already starting to show the middle aging bit. Damn, her man knocked up someone else when they were on a break and she took him back. Hahahaha, Dwyane Wade (much younger than her) is going to leave her in a few years, sending her into a Demi Moore tailspin. Guess middle aged black women need a self esteem boost seeing Union here. "She got a younger man, I can get me one too!"

6. Amber Heard - At 28 she is the youngest woman here. She actually is gorgeous. They should do a bi-curious lesbian remake of Vertigo and cast her in the Kim Novak role. Laugh at that idea, but it's maybe two years away from getting funding.

5. Pink - She posed sideways to hide her dick muscles. Pink is 34, and come on, no one is buying this. No one was buying it 10 years ago. Even the boys back in Doylestown were done with her in 1998. If you had told me in 2002 that Pink would be on this list and Britney Spears would be a pudgy has been, I'd have checked you into an asylum. Pink's inclusion is so the tattooed, edgy girls who are fading in their 30s and have begun to regret bad decisions can see her in PEOPLE and feel good as they sit in the tattoo laser removal waiting room.

4. Mindy Kaling - PEOPLE mentioned her Dartmouth degree right off the bat. She is 34; nice hair, but come on PEOPLE. This is interesting that Indian women now have a representative, but I guess using the hot chick from Slumdog Millionaire was too obvious. Thinking about this, it is an insult to Indian women; here's your inclusion but it's a pity spot. I could go to Dartmouth right now and find 10 hot Indian women. I typed this on ever notice the lack of Indian strippers and escorts? Probably has to do with Indians doing so well economically in America (or they lack the stripper gene). Guess Mindy's show's ratings are bad enough they need this boost before May sweeps to save it.

3. Jenna Dewan-Tatum - At 33, she is still looking good. Nice catch by Channing Tatum. Interesting that the one woman with a decent rack they pose laying on her back to hide the guns. Wouldn't want women to get the idea that looking like a normal woman and not a 13 year old boy is okay. You'd think the media is run by gay men or something.

2. Keri Russell - At 37, even with the botox, this is a bit of a stretch. No breasts, deep cut blazer, no smile due to botox freezing, and The Americans must need some publicity. Curly haired Keri from 1999 would be reasonable on this list but come on, do mid-30s women need the boost considering the Keibler and Pink inclusions above?

1. Grace Jones Lupita Nyong'o - Kind of muscular? Check. No breasts? Check. Man's length hair? Check. Androgynous? Check. She has a nice smile, nice eyes and looks young, but give me a break. Red blooded men in America may be disappointed seeing this but we all know the gay producers in Hollywood are more disappointed when they find out that Lupita is a she.

PEOPLE loves pushing the women of color bit when these issues come out. Is their self esteem that low? Are they suffering from anorexia and bulimia at high rates? Could they not find a Victoria's Secret or video vixen to throw into the list instead of passed their prime actresses? Surprised they did not recycle First Lady Michelle Obama for this issue. This must be because they decided to not push the alternative body types this year with so many in the top ten being Hollywood thin. Only one woman is under 30, and she is the one cuddling with Johnny Depp who is 50 in real life. Male privilege. Good to see the media be consistent and not allow the list to be full of women with well developed breasts and round asses. Quick look back at the list and check their left hands. Some of these women are married, but only one wedding ring visible. Remember, this list is for women.


Frank Montgomery said...

I too lament the lack of desi sex workers in America. A lot in the UK of course, but most of them appear to be from the other pieces of the Raj (Pakistan, Bangladesh) which makes sense given that UK Indians seem to also be model minority.

peterike said...

Oh now, it's not really "most beautiful." It's "most fabulous," which is exactly the word the women and gays who made these choices were probably using.

"Oh Mindy Kaling is just fabulous!"

What I always find the most amusing about these exercises in white ethnic genocide.... urrr... I mean multi-culturalism is that adult magazine editors were sitting around a room saying stuff like: "Ok, this year we want to have one Indian woman. At least one black, probably two. A girl with tattoos..."

But hey, aren't there any Hispanics on the list? Was it a shutout against Team Mestizo?

Huh.It would be great if the gay trendsetting crowd suddenly turned on Hispanics. Maybe it has something to do with so many anti-gay hate crimes being committed by them and their refusal to get with the program.

peterike said...

Follow up note: The only women on this list I could have identified were Mindy Kaling and Pink. I never even heard of most of the rest of them.

Anonymous said...

Pink is gross today, gross tomorrow and gross yesterday. Easily the worst of all these. Terrible music too.

Son of Brock Landers said...

Frank - If you want to read about Indian chick hot ahit, check out kindle ebook "Smoke Filled Nights" by Jack Delacroix. Indian female-White male literotica. Lots of Indian stuff in it like ABCD/FOB and comments on caste system and mixed marriages.

peterike said...

I believe this is my most accurate comment on the photos.

Anonymous said...

Zoe Saldana is mixed-raced. Her father is Dominican (Mulatto) and her mother is Puerto Rican (Quadroon). She's like 50-60% white, plus her mother is lighter-skinned than her dad.

Halle Berry is mixed-raced as well. Her mother is white and dad is black. She looks 50/50 and is genetically 50-60% white as well.

It's just that for some reason, black fathers tend to have darker-skinned biracial daughters, so thanks to the brainwashing of the entertainment Hollywood media, people automatically put them in the ridiculous "black" box.

It's like the only "real biracials" are quadroon/octoroon women, and that's insulting to those who are actually 50/50 (mulatto).

Anonymous said...

Indian women are Caucasoid and hence quite beautiful. Nice facial/body features with long straight hair.

nikcrit said...

It's just that for some reason, black fathers tend to have "Anonyous" says:
darker-skinned biracial daughters, so thanks to the brainwashing of the entertainment Hollywood media, people automatically put them in the ridiculous "black" box.

It's like the only "real biracials" are quadroon/octoroon women, and that's insulting to those who are actually 50/50 (mulatto).

Troll alert! Alces has returned.

nikcrit said...

Pink is gross today, gross tomorrow and gross yesterday. Easily the worst of all these. Terrible music too.

Take away the tats and any backstory re. her politics and sexual i.d., and she's about the most attractive of that bunch in IMHO, FWIW.

Son of Brock Landers said...

@nikcrit- Yes I assumed that was alces. No one else talks in those terms. You are out of oyur mind if you consider Pink more attractive than Washington, Keibler, Dewan-Tatum, Union but most importantly Heard. Or that's your black gene being drawn to an unattractive white woman. Pink is business savvy though and managed her career incredibly well.

PA said...

Fun fact... a friend of mine knew Stacy Kiebler when she was a teenager. She hang out at a mall where he spent time as well.

I's a borderline white-trash Baltimore suburb where tons of diamond-in-the-rough kids grew up in the 1980s. The "diamonds in the rough" are the words of another friend's father, a teacher in a high school there. When teased by a SWPL about the high school he taught in, he said "don't knock it. There were lots of diamonds in the rough in that school."

When I visit that area now, I mostly see disgusting, obese white women with the tell-tale mudshark hairstyle, and a rare hottie.

Son of Brock Landers said...

PA - Keibler was a knockout (still fine) and always resisted the wrestling world implant requirement.

Your comment on the proles is dead on. Prole girls up to the 90s were still really cute. I grew up in prole white area. Lots of cute fit girls who liked sports and drank wine coolers. Once I got out of college I started noticing the out of wedlock kids, shitty consumerism, and expanding waistlines. The obesity epidemic crushed them. I used to date the prole girls when I would be home from college but by age 25 (2004/2005) I noticed they as a crowd had become crasser and fatter. They were also incredibly immature, overgrown children. The two toned hair! So true.

PA said...

In my neck of the woods (in the latter half of the 1980s), it was the middle class girls who played sports. Prole girls (we called them rednecks) mostly just smoked cigarettes, but still, they were nice and slim.

The mudshark hairstyle, as I noticed, is hair pulled up and tight into a bun on top of her head. My guess is that 'sharks spend lots of time around black females and try to avoid antagonizing the with that one sore spot for black chicks, hair. So they minimize its effect. After all, a fat girl's only unfailing asset is her hair... so why would any fat white girl deprecate it unless it was out of a politic deference to females upon whose turf she's poaching?

peterike said...

Many of the smarter prole kids from the 80s and 90s went to college and became SWPLs. They moved up and out, as upward mobility was still very possible for smart white people.

Those escape hatches are closing as the upwardly mobile job openings are fewer and fewer, given the non-growth state of the economy, the Asian invasion, etc. The 2000s were really a dreadful decade for white people in America.

The up-and-out factor plays as much a dysgenic role in white neighborhoods as it does in blacks, only proportional to the inherent qualities of both groups. And the welfare state turns susceptible prole whites into chavs/white trash.

Dave Pinsen said...

Pink is pretty and is probably the most talented of these women. One of our cable channels played a recording of her Truth About Love tour concert in Melbourne. It's worth a watch if you haven't seen it. She puts on a hell of a show. Great singer, and she's also a trained gymnast. Also, she's not really trying to be glamorous. Never really has. Short hair, tats. She does her thing. As she said in a song years ago, "Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears / She's so pretty, that just ain't me".

But she's in incredible shape after having a kid.

Mindy is just overexposed at this point. She's talented, but not enough to carry a sitcom, and she isn't pretty enough to get away with mediocre material.

Lupita is pretty, but obviously not the most beautiful woman in the world in anyone's estimation. ~30 years ago, the beauty-industrial complex became more inclusive of black women with Vanessa Williams. Now, the aim is to include not just black women, but darker skinned women. Lupita is one instance of this; another is the current Miss America, a pretty Indian woman who is probably a few shades too dark to win a beauty contest in India.

sykes.1 said...

This is a collection of skunks and near skunks. Sims and Keibler were beautiful in their your but are merely attractive today.

The fact is that no woman over 30 and very few over 25 are beautiful. Beauty is really an product of fertility, and its evolutionary purpose is to drive reproduction.

Son of Brock Landers said...

@Dave Pinsen - Best decision Pink made was move away from r+b pop to punkish rock-pop. Smart woman. She also has collaborated with people to have expsoure w/o having to release a dull album. Gwen Stefani is another woman who has managed her career well that I never wouleve predicted 15 years ago.

@sykes - There are many attractive women over 30, problem is they will be blown away by 25 year olds.

peterike said...

Marginally related. This is an interesting gallery of porn stars with and without makeup. I find the majority of them more attractive without makeup; I really don't like that made-up look.

nikcrit said...

You are out of oyur mind if you consider Pink more attractive than Washington, Keibler, Dewan-Tatum, Union but most importantly Heard.
Perhaps I am but, yes, I do think that..... actually, i could see your view if i took on a objective-aesthetic view. But i'm much more the type that models his concept of beauty based on personal experience and history, and Pink reminded me of a girl i went out with in my mid-to-late 20s ------ though much thinner and tat-free; e.g., the one that made me swoon as a adolescent while she, in fact, probably initially triggered memories of a, say, primary-school teacher of mine or some other formative, most of these officially sanctioned glamour girls, e.g., Giselle Bunchden, i am totally indifferent too; I literally don't notice them, or i should say, distinguish them from other women.

p.s.@ SOBL,
Thanks for providing some continuity after the jolt and withdrawls of GL Piggy abruptly pulling the plug. I do appreciate it, as I too miss the mixing-it-up.
But, despite it perhaps seeming like bad form coming from a new visitor, I gotta ask: why the commenting moderating? I mean, your posts and topics don't really draw too many knuckle-dragging types? I understand the intent but i think comment-moderating stymies lots of interesting blogs, probably reducing comments by at least half.
I like to check PA's bluster with a sense of immediacy intact... :)

whisker child said...

What a snarky little article.

You boys scared your wives (as if you could catch one) will look like that someday?

Well, they will. Grow up.

Son of Brock Landers said...

Married, over 30 and I know women age. Im mocking PEOPLE and their ludicrous need to push social justice into everything