Friday, December 13, 2013

Two Readings of a SWPL Chick


Thai food is just so much more authentic to me
Meet Ashley Casard-Mullon*. She's a vegetarian, polyamorous, bisexual, able bodied but aware of her privilege, feminist majoring in communications with a minor in queer studies. She is pro-choice, green, into the mysticism of the Hindus, enjoys yoga and video games, and walkable cities. She ADORES Bettie Page and not that cliche Marilyn Monroe. Page was so much more subversive of the '50s norms. She cried over Trayvon and texted her half-black, lesbian professor after the verdict (sorry :( so sorry), supported gay marriage (Prop 8 Stop the H8te!), went to an Occupy protest for the experience, and thinks that being human is never illegal (Viva la Raza!). She can't stand those materialistic, vapid consumer girls who spend an hour doing their hair and make up to go out after tanning. Her parents were always open minded and allowed her to develop into a free spirit. Doesn't think she'll ever settle down to cliche family life.

Meet Ashley Casard-Mullon. She eats a lot of pizza and english muffins and is in a loose relationship with a player who she knows bangs other girls so she hooks up with some guys to ease the pain of not getting proper attention from her real object of affection. She once kissed a girl to get attention from a special guy at a party. She knows no disabled people. Doesn't understand feminism, but likes gimmedats and help with job applications. She is in year 6 of college having just settled into communications. She is pro-choice but thinks girls who get abortions are dirty. She drives an SUV and flies in airplanes. Doesnt know anything about Hinduism beyond what that one class of yoga taught her, but she needs to claim some religion to not be associated with her argumentative atheist friends. She only plays Mario Kart. Walkable cities means Manhattan to her. Doesn't realize Bettie Page was the biggest pin up model of the '50s and appeared in Playboy. Hasn't spoken to a black man beyond placing a fast food order in years. Hopes to be best woman at a gay wedding but is creeped out by lesbians. Doesn't go south of Main Street when in San Diego and stayed in the Apple product section of the OWS camp. Spends an hour selecting the right outfit, doing her hair and drinking small amounts of arsenic to appear paler. Her family had a hyphenated name, mom divorced dad and her Boomer parents were so self absorbed all of her childhood that she was allowed to do whatever whenever. Who would ever want to start a family with that?

*Names are changed to protect the quasi-innocent. Picture is a random SWPL hipster.

Note to commenter I did not publish: it's the same girl. I'm just looking at the two sides to her antics.

4 comments:

peterike said...

In other words, the first girl came from more wealth and went to an elite college and was properly programmed, the other one wasn't.

The first girl will marry a trader or big law partner or media honcho and will "settle down to a cliche family life" with kids who actualize themselves with fencing classes and frequent overseas vacations.

The second girl will have two out of wedlock brats (one of them probably fathered by a NAM) and will spend her life working as a dental hygienist or in a government job.

Anonymous said...

Nailed it. Dem Frankfurters, huh?

Rob Dawg said...

Boring middle class upbringing in an intact nuclear family involved in her personal well being. Ashamed at being born on third base, having mainstream perspectives and scant little to whine about. The pressure to avoid stereotypes resulted in bifurcating into two separate attention seeking online personae. Sadly the concept that online is not only not real life but pushes out real life has been lost.

Anonymous said...

You forgot "has sex with black dudes to get double diversity points, compete with hotter SWPL chicks and piss off parents"