Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Politically Incorrect Determination of Santa's Race

A credentialed idiot of the media machine wrote that Santa should not just be a white guy anymore. This is stupid beyond belief, so I had to check the links to be sure. There are countless problems in modern society as well as specific problems within the desperate and impoverished black community, but a credentialed black will never let an opportunity go to waste to claim solidarity with their downtrodden brothers and sisters that they left behind several promotions ago. Of course Santa is white, because he is a physical creation of a southern soda company of an old Dutch representation of an early Christian saint from Greece. Let us still give idiotic leftists their due, make fun of every group out there, and have some holiday fun.

Santa is Asian because....
- He's really good with fitting a lot of stuff into a small container.
- Everything is made in his country.
- He's slim enough to fit down chimneys. Have you seen chimney flues?
- He has an amazing understanding of science to make it around the planet in one night.
- He's short.

Santa is Black because...
- His hat matches his jacket that matches his pants.
- Jolly disposition.
- He breaks into people's houses.
- He works one day of the year.
- Despite association with Christianity, he's oddly secular in his behavior.

Santa is Hispanic because...
- He works hard to make a lot of toys.
- He rides an old minivan sleigh that can fit a ton of stuff into which no one should ever be able to cram everything.
- He's short and shakes like jelly when he laughs.
- He's married to a woman who pushes food on him.
- His small business is stocked with hardworking, short guys that he doesn't pay.
- He's Catholic.

Santa is White because...
- He is pathologically altruistic.
- He is the head of a massive non-profit, charity program that receives government support.
- He's obsessed with judging people and status games but he still rewards everyone despite their failings. More kids need coal, Santa, more kids need coal.
- He's married but has no kids. Instead, Santa dives into his career and hobbies. Kids would cramp his individual goals and self-actualization.
- Likes winter sports.

Bonus:
Santa is Gay because...
- Married to a fat woman but no kids. BEARD!
- Have you seen his outfit?
- Loves having his picture taken.
- Surrounded by twinks elves.
- Names of the reindeer sound like the names of male dancers (Dasher, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, etc.).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great post!