Monday, August 12, 2013

10 Things TV Taught Me About Gays

Billy Crystal may have played the first openly gay character on a television show (Soap), but the gay = awesome push really started hard in the late 1990s. Somewhere in the late '90s MTV's Real World automatically had 'the gay one'. In the last fifteen years, television has taught me....

1. All young gay men are hot, clean shaven and really fit, only dating people exactly their age who are also hot and fit.
2. Gay men can be split into two groups. Group A: Highly expressive twinks who need an entourage of girls around them and Group B: laid back, contemplative men who just want to get married and adopt a baby.
3. Lesbians don't exist, but in the rare instance that one is seen on television a typical lesbian is gorgeous and often Hispanic. They just want monogamy.
4. All gay people will sleep with an opposite gender person on any given night, especially gay men and moderately attractive straight women who pal around with them.
5. Gay guys don't have male friends. They exist solely as the token gay friend for a circle of girls.
6. Gay guys don't have a social life besides banging gay men at random times to then talk about when they see their straight female friends with whom they spend most of their free time.
7. For the needed 30 mins, lesbians are just as femme as straights, and gay men just as masculine as straights (until the next episode). Fact: gay guys usually have a special athletic skill that a team of heteros need, leading to acceptance and tolerance.
8. Gays are generally smarter than straights and financially successful.
9. Gays are emotionally stable, far more stable than their straight friends that they help through tough times, yet any slight showing of rejection or non-support for a decision by a family member will cause extreme emotional distress.
10. HIV/AIDS doesn't exist anymore.

Gays are three dimensional like anyone other group (and far less of a monolithic entity compared to others). In spite of this, since Hollywood can only cast Hispanic women as smoldering sex bombs or maids (or maids that are sex goddesses) with 16% of America being Hispanic, I don't see television's gay propaganda ending anytime soon.

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