Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bathing Suit Advice for Ladies

It's summer, and I've got my beach vacation all planned. I'm looking forward to a long weekend on the sand. I grew up on the beach. I worked two summers at a water park and can still describe a couple beauties who wore the perfect bikini for their figure. I laugh at how ladies always get new suits each season but guys rock their athletic shorts or the suit they've had since Hoobastank was big. The eye candy on the beach has been diminishing in recent years. It's the orcas. Even GLAMOUR knows the American woman is most likely bigger (70% chance). Their "what bathing suit works for what body type" has plenty of bigger body shapes. The slideshow is depressing, but for some regular or athletic looking girls, it shows a suit can really work for you if selected properly. I expected about 5 different normal woman types and then one thick girl suit pic. Nope. Terrible. I spent 25 years going to the beach every weekend. I've seen enough flops as well as regular women who looked gorgeous in the right bikini. Here's my bit of advice for the remaining American women still in shape. This is simple advice for flat or buxom ladies.

Flat Girls
It's OK, no one is going to make fun of you. If you're thin and flat, there are plenty of suits you can wear, but there's definitely one you can't Don't waste anyone's time buying a triangle top bikini. You look terrible. You make the triangles look bad. Stick to the bandeau top bikini.

Are you from Montreal? C'est si bon!
Where'd your breasts go?

Buxom Lasses
Reverse the suggestion. Run away from the bandeau top. It makes your breasts look like they are covering a ton of surface area. Not good. Stick to the triangle top to maximize the great gift from God that is boob depth. You curve the triangle, so it's like geometry messing with our eyes.
You got them for graduation? They look real... expensive.
One bonus bit of advice for the curvier ladies. If you get them locked and loaded in a halter top bikini, I'll pay for the lobsters and steamers at dusk.
Kinney Shores at night? Oh, nothing but waves + stars.
I knew a girl from Quebec who had the vanity plate "Papilon". Short for papillon, which is French for butterfly. Tattoo at the small of her back to match. When $15 filled your gas tank and there was only one fat friend per group.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm kinda partial to the V shape a proper swimmer's one piece can impart on a fit girl.