Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Gift for the Man Who Has Everything

Every Christmas I hear women say, "I don't know what to get my man, he never asks for anything". This reveals their lack of creativity, but they do have a point. Men aren't women, who drop hints about gifts they want. Straight men don't make a countdown to their birthday and gift lists with smiley faces and hearts for Os. If he does this, is he the type of guy you want to impress with a special gift anyway? A man is like a cactus. Give it some water and lost of sun, and it's good. Water can be sex and sun a pleasant, feminine demeanor, or vice versa. Material gifts are nice, but don't worry about us. Think outside the box. If you're confused about what to get him, use this guide to really make his birthday or Christmas special.
 
Giddy up.
If you are in-shape, skip #1, but this is America so there is a 60% chance that you need work.
 
1. Go on a diet and workout for the two months before the special day.
2. Go to a temporary Halloween store on Halloween or November 1st. All costumes will be 50% off. Search for equipment as well as costumes.
3. Buy a nurse, cop, cowgirl, teacher, school girl, 'hot _____' costume. You can't wear last year's skank Halloween outfit.
4. Figure out a song that he likes that is sexually explicit. If he doesn't have any, use a classic like George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" or "Take the Time (Do It Right)". For my black reader(s), try Marvin Gaye's "I Want You" or Beyonce's "Tonight I'm Gonna Dance For You". If you go the cowgirl outfit route, might as well use a country song (don't know any) or Springsteen's "Cover Me".
5. Figure out at least 90 seconds of a dance routine. Work on it in the mirror so that you can sell it. After 90 seconds, it won't matter, just have contact with him in his seat.
6. When alone on said holiday or special day, drop it on him.

When I hear that BeyoncĂ© song, it sounds like she's praying at the Pentecostal Church of Sex, and I am preaching. Pentecostal: you bang so hard she shouts in tongues. Go ahead and criticize this idea as being sexist and turning a woman into an object. It might be, but it's a gift for your man in the privacy of your home.

Don't be so quick to criticize me, because if you are an American woman under 35, odds are:
 
1. You already have a slutty looking Halloween costume in your closet that you wore in public.
2. You already took a strip-aerobics class, a pole dancing class, a burlesque dance class or a Zumba Brazilian booty whore dance class.
3. You already slammed your ass into your man's crotch in a night club or bar in public.
4. You previously slammed your ass into other men's crotches when single in front of anyone at bars and night clubs. Shhhhh, I won't tell.
5. You have a tattoo like a stripper. Look the part, be the part.
6. You need to lose weight anyway.
 
If done right, he'll remember it. At least he'll appreciate the weight loss.

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