Wednesday, August 18, 2010

2012 A Terrible Movie Adventure

Hey let's do an in time review of the horrendously panned 2012 movie. Hollywood is trying to cash in on the Mayan 2012 long calendar finale (Dec 21, 2012) with action-adventure movies. Let's see what happens.

- Neutrinos mutated into a new particle that can heat up the earth's core. They don't heat the surface though, only the core.
- Oliver Platt is alive!!!!
- Danny Glover's speaking voice is messed up. He sounded weird in "Shooter", and he sounds the same here. I bet it is dental work gone bad. His upper lip looks weird.
- John Cusack is here to play the everyman. Wonder if he got his sister a role in this film? He's so good to her. Why does the hero have to be a southern Californian? Why does every story have to be NY or LA centric.
- Amanda Peet playing a mom now. You know this might fit her well as I didn't find her sexy, but she could have play tough and bitchy.
- If only a dozen people know a secret in the White House that is important for national security, the last person the Prez would tell is his daughter.
- Woody Harrelson playing his dream role: a crazy, anti-government paranoid. This is awesome.
- Wait: the earth's crust is destabilizing. ok, so the earth doesn't blow up but the crust dissolves or gets crushed up, what? This is why we need a Moon Base.
- They are inserting a dysfunctional family problem. We do not need this. Give me more action and science. I think it's obvious the douchey plastic surgeon step dad is dying. This dumbass married a woman with two kids already well after her prime, child bearing years have passed. He must really love her. Notice she still defends her ex that neglected her and puts up a front to her loving, touching provider?
- Oooh some science. The crust will break up and move. And???
- The Russian twins have awful Russian accents. They couldn't find two fat Russian kids to play the twins.
- The movie just got funny. "Get in the fucking car right now!"
- Can you outdrive an earthquake? Yes. Jump upturned crusts in a limo? Yes. Avoid all objects and completely clear through a skyscraper? Yes.
- Can a plane outrun the earthquake? Yes. Wait if they took off in flight how is he still flying between the edges of the fault opening? This makes no sense.
- I like how cell phones are working on the west coast as California west of the San Andreas fault slipped into the ocean.
- Yellowston'e supervolcano blows and somehow can't destroy the winnebago or plane that John Cusack's in. Winnebago's can also jump crust chasms.
- The Platt-bad actor playing the scientist confrontation in the plane was wonderfully overdramatic.
- Thandie looks like she stepped into the rejuvenation machine. She looks younger now than in Mission Impossible 2.
- Danny Glover's speech impediment is really messing with me. How did the fake nation in this movie ever elect him?
- "That's a big plane." "It's Russian...hunh?" Wait we the viewers should be saying hunh.
- The ash cloud would destroy those engines, unless the plane could outfly an ash cloud from a supervolcano.
- Vegas to China on one tank of jet fuel. Oh wait, they can refuel in Hawaii. "Vat eez that?" "the state of Ha-va-ee"
- Tsunamis finally show up. It was about time. The big Cali quake would have created one, but it was not needed yet for the awful plot. The tsunami wave shown made the Perfect Storm epic wave look small.
- More family crap for Cusack's character. Lame.
- This Russki pilot is pretty cool. He's got style and machismo. His accent is really funny. Wait he really is a former Russki (Estonian).
- They drive a Bentley out of the back of the plane while it is flying over a mountain with the cargo hold hatch down.
- The Queen shows up with her Corgis. Nice little touch there.
- Looks like Cusack and Co. will hitch a ride with the Chinese welder guy's family.
- The idealism of the First Daughter and scientist guy as they board an 'ark' is annoying. His cell phone still gets reception inside the ark.
- Like a lot of great movies they create the 'ticking clock' effect. There is now a countdown to X event, and this will create tension. They then follow this with another lame Cusack family scene. Wait the Chinese welder speaks English? Oh come on.
- Cusack and Co. sneak onto an ark. The hot Russian calls her dog and we get drama from the dog tight roping it over to her. Come on.
- Scientist guy Helmsley is played by the bad actor from Red Belt. He's giving it his all in this deck scene. It's a cheeseball cherry on top of this movie sundae.
- Tidal wave awesomeness over the mountains. So is seeing the Russian throw his son against all physics into the gate as he sacrifices himself into an artificial chasm.
- Why are these boats taking on so much water? Why is the tidal wave water flooding the entire earth? There isn't enough water to increase ocean levels to frickin' Everest's North Face.
- Oh the gate wasnt sealed. Weird how it was tough to figure that out.
- Of course the lead lives. Yah, a writer survived while billions perished.
- Wait the scientist Dr Helmsley took 27 days to fucking ask the First Daughter out??? Man, he is such a beta.
- Total negative ending would be the decks opening and toxic fumes killing everyone after they just survived that Mayan endgame. Nope. it is the good times sunset on the water ending.
- Wait so the flood waters receded (which should leave the continents bare again), but Africa rose several thousand feet and that is where the ships will resettle. Head is hurting.
- Final Lines: "Daddy, no more pull ups" "Nice". Head exploded.

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