Monday, January 25, 2010

Jersey Shore Recap

Jersey Shore has completed a reality tv season to remember. This might be the nadir of MTV television programming or the zenith of trash tv. Let's go through the characters of this reality TV phenomenom with an award show....

Dumbest Reality TV Character Ever - Angelina

This takes true effort. The show was taped over a month. She did not last one week. She left because she could not work minimal hours at a t-shirt shop. She now has missed out on the gravy train of appearance fees and the 15 mins of fame these folks will enjoy.In her short stay, she said a horribly anti-women comment "If a girl is a whore, she deserves to be abused". Wretched. Retarded.

Most Likely Jailed on a Roid Rage Related Murder Charge - Ronnie

Fights over small things, trouble found him, and uhhh, he isn't afraid to break someone's face. His quick cackle of a laugh is kind of frightening, like when a child has a seizure. The dude is surprisingly short but jacked. I see an involuntary manslaughter charge in his future. Despite the rage, he was very tender with the women in the house. He had a genuine friendship with the girls, as well as a horrible and immature relationship with Sammi. As a friend, I'd prob never drink much around him because I'd want to keep my wits in case he started a fight.

Most Dependable Friend - Jwoww

The trashiest woman on the show. Bolt on boobs, bad hair, worse clothes and didn't feel grinding on a guy was cheating. She was always there for a friend in need and always came to Snooki's defense. She did look out for the roomates even though they had a tenuous connection. Seriously, how could they get that 'close' within a month? She really was loyal. She's also probably 2 months from doing porn. She wore tops that looked like napkins and had looks that only repressed, married 45 yr old businessmen could like; I know I work with them. I enjoyed her antics, and she seemed genuine.

Most Likely to Live a Normal Life - Vinny

Vinny started out slow and finished strong. The Situation ripped on him non-stop and machismo-ed him for days, and then Vinny flipped it on him by hooking up with the Situation's sister (the scenario). That is revenge. No guy likes that. Thumbs up. Wicked stereotype of Italian momma's boy, but he was not super guido. He seemed to have a better sense of when to say no, what girls to avoid, and what buttons not to push on his housemates. He's too normal to be on season 2, but the guy was wicked funny.

Oppressive Italian Mother in Training - Sammi

She picked fights for her boyfriend, was threatened by any other woman, cared more for her hair than anyone else, and she was a self obsessed witch. I can see her taking this act to a higher level as harpy wife and Janus styled doting-oppressive mother. She had great legs and a cute face, but that does not cover her attitude. Far more evil than the rough and tumble acting and looking Jwoww. Let the record state that this was the type of Jersey girl I dated in college: Catholic American Princess.

Secretly the Wisest Man on the Shore - Pauly
Pauly D was a blow out sporting, tanned, tattooed, spinning guido. He also had a nugget of wisdom every episode. He made my wife and I laugh every single episode with a one liner or a bit of commentary on the shore, people's behavior or mating. "You gotta get to da biznesss". This could be anything, but without a doubt, Pauly was a man of action. He was also not afraid to leave a bad situation, which happened often as the wingman for the Situation. He was also the eldest house member at 29. Maybe that was the secret to his wisdom, as he had years of fucking up to draw upon for better decision making. I hope he returns for a second season., but the Shore could be like Logan's run where no one over 30 lives.

Limp Bizkit-Nsynch Award Winner - Mike "The Situation"

The most insecure and overconfident person I have seen on tv this decade. The Sit was a complete paper mache hero. He was a horrible eggshell thin macho man. His criticisms of women were in the mold of a young woman, and he was incredibly self centered. The guy was a non-stop creepy flirt to the point where he was known as the house creeper. He brought home mostly trashy women, and the one attractive girl he brought back was the one who fell down their deck steps because she was so drunk. The most important criticism of Mike was from Vinny who said "I don't want to be you at 27". His response was "quitcha hatin'". He should really have broken down and started to cry as a 21 yr old momma's boy just called him out for being a toolbag failure in life. His one on one confessionals with the camera were wonderful theater of the self obsessed and insecure. He needs to be on season 2. I think they should have 10 seasons and leave him an open invitation. I bet t 37, he'd still be coming back... creepin'.

MVP - Snooki

Everyone I know who watched this show loved Snooki. At 4'8", she's the shortest person on TV not on one of TLC exploitation dwarf shows. She seemed like a genuine spoiled brat from Poughkeepsie who was in over her head but persevered at the Shore. Yeah, because the fucking shore is such an obstacle course. She was not afraid to dance on the boardwalk by herself, do backflips in the club or get in fights with girls after getting punched in the face by a guy. She should get her own dating show "Snookin for Love". MTV should be on this. She did take her time on the show seriously. She felt the month away from home was a huge learning experience for her, and for a person to say that with no sense of irony reveals an innocence that is missing on 99% of reality TV programming. I will miss seeing her on Thursdays. I will miss you Snooki.

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