Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Disney Princesses

Disney recently released a terrible Disney movie "The Princess & the Frog" to complete their collection of Princesses. They now have a black princess for little black girls to project themselves onto in their daydreams. They also have a dress for them to buy at Disneyworld for big bucks. Every hair, eye, and skin color is covered in the Disney Princess collection. Under the surface, the extremely small waistlines of the Princesses have probably contributed to the recent rise in eating disorders. On the flip side, what Disney Princess has little boys fantasizing more than the others. OK maybe not normal boys, but demented adolescents growing up in Maine with advanced romantic notions about animated women. Disney had a horrible stretch of bad animated films in the 70s and 80s, and their studio was kick started by "The Little Mermaid". Ariel was the first of their new princesses, but started a successful run of movies to create the stable of princess cash cows that Disney enjoys today. Let's review the crew.

Ho-Hum Not Really Exciting Group

Mulan, Snow White, Ariel, Tiana - Nothing really special about any of these young women. Guys are not going wild over them. Ariel has a bit of that seashell singing sexiness, but 12 yr olds will just not care. At least I did not at age 9, and I love red heads. Snow White has that cute voice but no shape to her. She also had a tiny mouth. I notice in newer drawings, they draw her mouth more proportional. Tiana for some reason has a modern black girl's name despite being in a story set 80 years ago. They draw her with a nice figure, but of course, give her that sassiness so you know she's black. This does not appeal to adolescent boys. Mulan, I'm not going there. That really was an animated film designed for girls. This is coming from a guy who was open minded about asian women at a young age.

Sentimental Feelings

Cinderella - She is the underdog who is put upon by some fug sisters. With some help from godmothers, mice and pumpkins she rocks out glass slippers. That takes ovaries to pull off. "I'm gonna dance in glass slippers, fuck leather shoes with stilettos. I'm going glass!" Has that blue eyed blonde thing going with a bit of a heart shaped face. Good proportions. There is a reason the Prince scours the frickin' countryside looking for the woman who fits the glass slipper. Cinderella is more the Princess you marry.
The Heavy Hitters

4. Princess Jasmine - Depending on when this movie was set, Jasmine might have been from a pre-Islam Middle East which was a bit more open with female attitudes. She had a bombing body, cute stock Disney face with slight ethnic features (eyes & nose), and she wore revealing clothing because she had a 15 inch waist. She had an inny belly button, which does matter. Outies kind of freak me out. She had curves in the right places and a shitton of hair. Seriously, I think her hair went past her ass. Her earrings were Rosie Perez sized so you know she left them on when in bed. She goes on a frickin' carpet ride at night with a strange prince. You could get down on the carpet and her hair alone could be a blanket for you both.

3. Pocahontas - Sporty, sexy, independent, lean, tall, high cheekboned, Asian looking, pretty much nothing like what she looked like in real life. Disney really went for the sex appeal here. She has long wonderful hair despite living in a society without hair care products, and her bosom is ample. She also learns English quickly and isn't afraid to fall for strange men even faster. She probably has the best legs of the Disney Princesses. You can really tell she's a runner. Seems a bit moody, and you'd probably have to read her poetry or discuss philosophy with her to keep her impressed. Seems a bit high maintenance.

2. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) - Jackpot. Disney drew this princess in the Hollywood bombshell model of the times (50s). I saw this when it was re-released in '86, and my little boy brain thought "that cartoon is pretty". She's hand drawn sex. My idiot child brain knew she was not real but still was attracted to her despite the complete impossibility of our meeting. This disregards the fact that she lives in 14th century Europe, while I was in 20th century America. Nice, long, flowing blonde hair with a slight curl, oval face with a feminine jawline, big eyes, and outstanding animated figure. She's built like a Victoria's Secret model. Wearing medieval clothes which forbid showing skin but cinched everything tight for the locked & loaded look. I don't like blondes, but if I had to fantasize about one in 1986 Christie Brinkley was a distant 2nd to Aurora.

1. Belle - Smart, sexy, girl next door, nerdy, ambitious, and had that little quet of hair that always fell down over her forehead. Great figure, Disney face, big brown eyes, nice hair, and proportionate bosom. She's French, too, which has that added built in sexiness in modern lore. As I once heard, "French forces you to practice using your tongue". You could daydream she'd be talking to you in 2D, you'd say something witty & charming and she'd blush a bit and look down, the quet would slip down, so then you'd reach over and put her hair back in place. Of course she'd look up at you and you'd then make out. Go ahead and laugh, but when you're 12, that's a reasonable fantasy! I also think that exact chain of events happened to me in college. Ah yes, I could imagine I was kissing Belle while making out with random girls from Scarsdale. Belle also wears some foxy old timey clothes; the kind you could rip off in passionate moments.
Yeah... I have problems.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is very funny. Aurora is my favorite.