Saturday, December 05, 2009

Jersey Shore Episode 1

Every single thing about Jersey Shore is worthy of commentary, and the proper viewing of it is on DVR so you can rewind and pause. A running MST3K commentary is needed. This is virtually "Real World: Jersey Shore", where they live together for 1 month. 8 guidos and guidettes live together from all over the Italian diaspora of the northeastern part of the Atlantic Coast. Every horrible stereotype is included. At least one guy is 29, and another looks older but that might be the tanning and roided up hairline making him look older. The women, if you can call them that, have weird tans, weird hair, tons of self confidence, and this lightswitch sweetie-bitch setting.

- They all have nicknames. It's automatic. As one guy meets a girl, instead of asking her name he says "Wass your nickname?" There's Jwoww, Jolie, Pauly D, the Situation, and Snooki.

- They manage to say Snooki in every way but Snooki. They say snickers, sneakers, snookums, sneaky, etc. It's a running joke for all viewers.

- Duck phone + retarded guidette princess = comedy gold

- "you gotta work out, then shower, get ya hair cut, then wait to iron yer shirt and shave right before you leave so you look fresh" - That's how you prep the day of going out for a guy.

- They could do an episode of them just getting ready to go out. 20 bottles of product per hairdo, including the guys.

- This subculture is open about steroids as the guys talk about it, and the girls love juiceheads. Yup, just what we need, positive talk about steroids.

- "The Situation" might be the perfect example of a butterface for men. This dude juices quite a bit to get his arms huge, and has super skinny legs and a fug face. He might bein his 20s but looks mid 30s. He's an idiot as well. He loves the word situation. Not just because it's his nickname but it's the biggest word he knows and uses. During one stretch he uses it 4 times in 2 sentences.

- They really love tanning. Men and women. They have tanning equipment in their homes. They are gross.

- One girl has the worst fake boobs I've seen outside of a strip club. Bolted on, dont move, could fit a remote control between them. She's also fugly, has a 50 yr old cigarette smoker's voice and has blonde streaks in her dark hair. Gross.

- Cast member Vinny seems decent. He makes fun of the overprocessed guys that he will share a house with, and has a funny personality. I laugh with him more than laugh at him, which is unlike the rest of dem guys.

- There is an all natural girl on the show, and she looks just like the woman from "Property Virgins". Just like her. I will find pics. She talks about being all natural and the Kim Kardasian of statten island, as if that is a good thing. It's not. You're not, but I'll give you props for not tanning and not buying upgrades.

- Two people throw up on the 1st episode, one semi-fight, one girl makes out with two different cast mates, multiple middle figners are thrown, and multiple girls get in the hot tub with only their undies on. Kind of gross.

- The instant best friends or couple kind of happens, which makes me laugh on every real world season. Stupid. "Ohmagahhd yous guys are the best people in da world". That's the kind of shit that gets said on this show. "No one pushes my boy", so you get in a fight because someone pushes your housemate that you just met 24 hours ago. Lame.

- One college grad in the house. No word on any of the others. Don't worry he still lives with his mom, and she cries when he leaves the house to go to the Shore.

- These girls still baby the guys in the house and when they are out. One actually walks a guy back to his place after he throws up at the house. WTF???? Men walk women back so they don't walk back alone. She cleans up after him when he throws up.

- Looks like a decent chunk of them can cook, so this might be the best fed group of real worlders ever.

- Essentials for packing: hair product, face cream, lip gloss, and protein shake mix... yeah that about does it.

- The girls all swore at other cars during their drives to the house. Brilliant editing.

- They wear their crosses. Some big ones. I am bummed none of them have the cross that is so big you see Jesus flexing on it like some Italians I knew. Jesus died for your sins and had a 6 pack.

- Fist pumping is a form of dance? Italians still love house music? 70s hot pants are still worn by young women? All news to me.

This is mindless human zoo TV. Turn your brain off and just laugh at these idiots. I do think this will be a ratings success, and I do expect them to do a full 3 month Jersey Shore if this does well next summer. If you wondered why Italian American groups were against this show, stop wondering. The only negative stereotype missing is a mob element.

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