Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tool Academy

VH1 has served up a fantastic show of stupidity and douchebaggery: The Tool Academy. The men joined the show on the premise that they were competing for the title of Mr. Awesome. Nope. They are in a boot camp for bad boyfriends. What's even sicker is that when these guys find this out no one threatens to leave and takes offense and gets emotional about being humiliated on TV for being a tool. These guys are some of the most repulsive pieces of shit I have seen on reality TV besides the occasional devious Survivor contestant and Puck. Sadly, they are just archetypes of douchebag guys that everyone knows in their circle of friends, coworkers, or former friends/ex-boyfriends. Everyone has a friend that is a tool or has tool characteristics. This show just spotlights those stereotypical douchebags.

There's a wide collection of tools, and it is truly sad to see that example of every douchebag you have run into. These are the guys that wear striped button down dress shirts every single time they go out to a bar. These are the guys that wolf down gyros at 2am and yell at other late night eatery patrons to look cool. These are the white guys who throw gang signs when out joking around. These are the guys who buy bikini briefs. These are the guys who would masturbate to a photo of themself while standing over a mirror. These are the black guys who talk about taking 20 girls home a week, but in reality it's 2 fat girls home just to have post-coitus pizza. These guys are forever comparing themselves to everyone else, and always have to be adored or held in high esteem. These are the guys who somehow get attractive girlfriends despite being everything that women say they despise in men.

Now the women on this show might be the better psychological study. These women have no self esteem whatsoever, which is probably why these guys string them along in their neverending "dating" (10 years for one couple). When you see the women, who are not hot for the most part, you start to see maybe why these guys choose to prey on them and string them along. They all have at least one flaw, and these guys can keep them around and subtley refer to it or manipulate them with it. There's the single mom, the chubby girl, the outright fat girl, the poor, cute waitress, the fat black chick, the flat chick, the ugly chick, the chick who dated black guys cause she had a pear shape and then got implants so white guys would notice her again but is now withholding sex, and then the hot chick. Sadly the hot chick left the show in episode 2 as her man had another girlfriend for 6 years. These girls all say they will leave their man when he is booted off of the show, but in the first two episodes, both women take their men back. They use classic lines like "I love you... there are you happy now?" Even better, they all have perfected how to fuck up, then apologize and shed some tears so it sounds sincere. Works like a charm.

These women even display toolish behavior, but because the show focuses on the dudes being tools, they get a pass. I enjoyed them making fun of the foreign girls nipples pointing in other directions from a bad boob job. One goes right to drama and "we need to talk" at the drop of a hat. The withholding sex girl cries whenever he mentions banging another chick, yet still sticks around... and proceeds not to give him any sex (not saying it's her fault, but the dude is a retarded animal). These women need the therapy more than the men, and if they got it, they'd all leave their guys. The guys eliminated early should never have been taken back and it shocked me when elimination #3 also saw the first girl reject her man. Guys who stick around and maybe change deserve maybe a consideration.

One has to move the focus back to the men. These guys have self given nicknames. Who does that? These guys have shitty haircuts. One I refer to as Flock of Seagulls. They all have that work out non-stop and maybe do a cycle of roids to get ripped feel to them. Like they'd do anything to look better just to get the next girl's number. Their behavior does seem compulsive as some have mentioned a need to meet new girls, get numbers, take on a challenge, bang chicks. Let's run down the roster of guys.

Greek Tool - Some random Greek dude who had a flat girlfriend. Says in an interview he'd never get married, yet when he got eliminated his girl took him back. Oozed date rapiest.

Douche Tool - This guy is a fugly douche with a girlfriend who is doing the "i'll do everything for you in the hopes we get married" trick. It isn't working. He is exposed as a liar multiple times. She swears she will not take him back and when he is eliminated, yup, she takes him back. She's plain and has no self esteem. He was hypercritical of her at every step, so I see how his endless barbs just wreck her self esteem and keep her locked down.

Celebrity Tool - This is the black guy with the tall girl with extra jit on her. He always does back hand springs and booty shakes at age 27, which would make him the gayest straight black man ever. He is one of the fake sincere apology guys, and refers to himself as Celebrity often. Self given nicknames are lame. He seemed like a suburban black guy who tries so hard to do the ghetto fabulous image and behavior to stay true and not be a sell out. Lame. Dude, your real name is Clarence.

Slacker Tool - This guy seems decent and reminds me of my youngest uncle. His girls is the single mom who looks like a pretty and thin Marie Osmond. She seems older too. He has some actual thoughts and concerns with the baby daddy still in the picture, so he has legitimate beefs. He just seems like a childish man who can't hold a job. You know the friend who always is short with a bar tab, but you help out because he's a good guy? That's this slacker tool. He exhibits some friendly behavior as well with Power Tool. This guy is friendly just not sharp.

Power Tool - This guy is the meathead friend everyone has that gets drunk and takes things too far. Girls will date him because of his build, but he doesn't have much else going on. This guy might have the best excuse for not deserving to be there. He has a toolish girlfriend that always starts drama and he continuously says "i told you to move in with me". Guys don't say that unless they mean it. No guy ever thinks "let me give up my freedom of being single to get a women into the picture". I actually don't think he should be there. When he is interviewed, he offers up gems like saying that "the lil bastard almost got me", referring to Tiny Tool almost making him cry. He also constantly uses the word dude... even when talking to and about his girlfriend. I love you dude, ever since I first say you dude, I love you so much dude. I think his girlfriend is a failed actress who is looking for screen time and got him signed up for this show.

Tiny Tool - This guy is the classic skinny dude with a fat chick Jersey trash guy. He's like a tag along friend that is always sharing stories, hoping to be accepted into the pack. It's sad when he reveals stuff and the way he and his woman interact in this confrontational yet loving relationship. He also gives her his bowling a 299 plaque as a gift, proving he is Jersey trash. baby we were born to run.

Mega Tool - Another self styled nickname, Mega, which is an acronym for makes every girl aroused, is a total douche. He's a total racist in little things he says. He also has that gene where if you say "yo momma" at the end of anything he gets fired up and reacts aggressively in an inappropriate fashion. No one knows your mom, so don't get upset. It's an expression. Talking to a friend, we think his relationship is phony. I don't know who is fucking this guy, but my guess is fat chicks. He is maybe the most delusional of all of the guys, maybe except for....

The guy who runs around in women's underwear Tool - Another self given nickname, Matsuflex, which sounds like a Japanese robot, and massive amounts of lame-osity. This guy is the gayest straight white man I have ever seen on tv. He claims to be able to pick up dollar bills with his butt. Why discuss this? He wears the gayest underwear, and is always parading around in nothing. He has the celibate girlfriend. His girl is cute, but she has no self esteem, and in 10 years, he'll end up cheating on her with a younger version of her to repeat the cycle.

Flock of Seagulls Tool - This guy is the star of the show. He had two girlfriends at the same time show up tot eh show to claim his toolness. His first girlfriend looked like a hot Blair from the Facts of Life. The 2nd is a eastern european girl with bad fake boobs. This guy has no soul. He is self absorbed, self centered, has no conscience, has no thoughts of anyone else, and is always scheming for more and new poontang. He has perfected that fake sincere apology because he used it twice in back to back fashion to two different girls, and the second girl to hear it still accepted it.

This show is amazing in its depiction of dumbass men and the bitches that love them. It also has great editing. VH1 does do a good job with the production of their "human zoo' shows. I really should not complain about their work with such horrible subject matter and people. Two things I would like the show to do are 1. get the guys alone and ask them why they act like this and 2. get the women alone and ask why they put up with this. I hope this shows up in later episodes but it is my one criticism. Hearing that TO, Terrell Owens, will have a Vh1 show made me think that he will be invited to Tool Academy 2. It has to end that way for him. He'd be perfect for this. I hope Tool Academy gets good enough ratings that they can do a female version of this, wait they do all fo the Charm Schools, well they can do this again with more tools because tools are so self absorbed that they would not be aware of this show.

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