Saturday, September 13, 2008

Weird List for a Country that Loves List

I saw this list on Slate's website and chuckled. In an aging world that appears to be slowly turning into a giant nursing home, it makes sense to create an arbitrary list of the most influential people over 80. Interesting that they would put a Supreme Court Justice at the top of the list. After all, he might have the deciding vote in a handful of cases that affect Americans. If something huge got to the Supreme Court and was split down the middle 4-4 and he decided the outcome, I could see this, but this feels like a MSM attempt to play up how important the Supreme Court is, "see, this is what matters to you peons".

I find it very interesting that Jimmy Carter who likes to talk to Hamas is #19 on the list, whereas George H.W. Bush, who has the current president's ear the last 8 years, is ranked #72. Dumb. Billy Graham seems a tad low since the dude is 89 and still has huge television specials and reaches millions. I can see T. Boone Pickens at #3, and I think spending money to promote the cool Pickens Plan on national TV out of his own pocket is an amazing sign of influence. John Bennet Fenn, Alfred E. Mann, Robert Morgenthau, and Oliver Smithies could stand to be ahead of some of the other d-bags from Hollywood listed. I find it curious the amount of Hollywood actors, directors, etc. that are on the List. Here's what the bio should read for these people....

Liz Smith: The old windbag that was on E! before E! went all reality TV. Should you really concern yourself with the dumbass social scene 'reporting she does? Hell, just go ask Dominick Dunne for the scoop.

Joe Paterno: Old coach of Penn State football who just discovered MASH. This guy influences how drunk Pennsylvanians get on Saturdays in the fall.

Stan Lee: Because of this guy, you have to suffer through really bad adaptations of his comic book creations. Break his right hand if you meet him to rpevent further pain.

Mary Higgins Clark: You can now read on the beach because of this dame.

Tony Bennett: Thankfully, he outlived his contemporaries and therefore, people liked him again. He likes things that are great, great things are fantastic.

Paul Newman: Au-sum. One tough mutherfucker. The oldest man most women would still have sex with.

Mel Brooks: A guy who peaked in 1974 and does not know how to finish a movie or end a third act. He whores out his classics for more paychecks, which he then re-releases as movies (The Producers). Somehow landed Anne Bancroft. Should be shot to prevent us from seeing "Space Balls: The Musical".

Maya Angelou: Tired of being confused with Toni Morrison if only because it makes her feel horrible since Morrison is a far superior writer. She also was not the woman on "touched by an angel" so knock it off.

Hal Holbrook: Up until he really showed his age, this was the guy that was cast as every single smooth Southern gentleman. Awesome head of hair.

John McLaughlin: He's been one of the most entertaining political commentators for years and is incredibly easy to imitate. "Wrrrrrong!" Sadly, one of the few guys in the last 30 years who has had a balanced show with libs and conservatives.

Pinetop Perkins: Your guess is as good as mine.

Cloris Leachman: Held up well and always plays that zany old Aunt character on tv shows.

James Lipton: Wait, this dude is 81. Hold the phones. I don't know how interviewing people in the most pretentious manner possible places you on any list besides "Hollywood"s Biggest D-bags".

Bob Barker: Hated by animals everywhere.

Carl Reiner: "Hi do you need an old Jewish uncle or grampa on your show? Call me". In older films and shows, I like this guy's work. Then he just settled into the old Jewish guy role. Judd Hirsch has been rumored to have tried to kill him for more gigs (joking, I don't need a libel charge).

Andrew Wyeth: Fuck you for Christina's World. That painting nearly killed me my 8th grade year.

Lastly.....

Helen Gurley Brown: This woman is responsible for that time your girlfriend puts her finger in your ass while performing oral on you without warning. Not cool.

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