Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Bond Girls

Huge Bond fan here. Giant Bond fan. I can't watch a Bond film without doing my Connery impersonation for 2 hours straight. This annoys the wife. Favorite Bond: the Roger Moore version. He played it with a sense of humor and was smooth. Best Bond: Timothy Dalton. Icy cold secret agent. The scripts for his movies were awful, and he had the unfortunate job of being the 2nd choice at the time when Pierce Brosnan could not get out of his Remington Steele contract. I kid you not. Favorite Bond Film: You Only Live Twice. This is the basis for the Austin Powers satire of Bond films. Ridiculous ninja stuff involved. Best Bond film: On her Majesty's Secret Service. Hands down the best love story, solid chase scenes, and great performances all around. A lot of the Bond films are cheesey, but the deliver what you want in an action film: explosions, great action scenes, babes, and bad guys getting busted.

One aspect of Bond movies that I truly love are the horribly delightful names the writers give the Bond Girls. Great eye candy, but the names just send it to a new level. My Bond Girl post will not have hot chick photos in it. Not here. Bond women are usually classy dames that you would drink expensive liquor with and they would wear French perfume and lots of weird clothing. They might stab you int he back if you cross them. They can be tough and they can be femme. It's perfect to infect teenage viewers with an idea that when they grow up women will be like this. Let's break it down into best names and personal favorites for talents.

Best Bond Girl Names

Honorable Mentions: Honey Rider; this is a great name to give for table reservations. Dr. Molly Warmflash; this is so incredibly dumb that I don't think they actually say the name in the film. I think it's just in the script.

5. Octopussy - Now this was just atrocious. Yet, when you watch the terrible action film, you have to laugh whenever you hear them say Octopussy. It kicks the entire film into a new stratosphere of comedy.
4. Domino Derval - If I ever met anyone named Domino, I would automatically think they were cool. It is such an awesome name. I wish we had named our cat Domino (he's black and white). How did they name a female character Domino? Great choice by the writers and producers to do something different.
3. Dr. Holly Goodhead - Astronaut/scientist from Moonraker. I think I've been in men's clubs and heard "Next up on stage, guyyyyys put your hands to-geth-er for Doc-terrrr Good-head".
2. Dr. Christmas Jones - This was Denise Richards' nuclear physicist character. First, someone that stupid playing a nuclear scientist is too much to handle. Throw in Christmas as a first name, and you can't help but laugh whenever she is on screen. I have to ask, why not give her the last name of Hannukah or Easter? This also created one of my favorite Bond lines of all time. Post coital talk between Bond and Christmas inspires "I thought Christmas only comes once a year".
1. Pussy Galore - In Bond's words, "Poosee Galore? I must be dreaming". Could they get this past censors now?

Favorite Bond Girls

Honorable Mention: The Japanese duo from You Only Live Twice. People who love comedy films recognize these two women as the lead females in the classic "What's up Tiger Lily?". Fantastic movie. When I first saw it, I laughed out loud at knowing they were huge stars in Japan who were selected to be in the Bond film set in Japan. It was like a badge of honor.

5. The duo from Man with the Golden Gun - Mary Goodnight/Britt Ekland and Andrea Anders/Maud Adams. In oen scene, Bond (Roger Moore version) is getting frisky with Mary Goodnight. When Anders walks in, he tosses Goodnight into the closet. He gets down with Anders, and then goes back to Goodnight. Top notch quality in this film.
4. Xenia Onatopp - Famke Janssen. Tough broad. Bad girl. Really bad Russian accent. Killed people with her thigh squeeze during sex. Famke Janssen is pretty lame, but I give her props for this role. She played it with tongue firmly in cheek. Killed people during sex.
3. Agent XXX - Barbara Bach. Damn. This was what I hoped would be on the other side of the Iron curtain when I was a kid. In reality, it was not far from the truth. It is a secret shared by many American college kids who study abroad in Europe but the guideline is "the further east you go, the prettier the girls, and then you hit Russia and all bets are off".
2. Honey Rider - Ursula Andress. The first shot, where she walks out of the water, is burned in many men's minds. It is so iconic that it has been spoofed and reproduced but never duplicated.
1. Pussy Galore - She fought Bond quite a bit, but then turned ont he bad guy. That laid the groundwork for every other "bad guy's girlfriend" in every other Bond film. Bonus points for the Pussy Galore character in the Ian Fleming books being a lesbian crime boss from Harlem.

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