Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Glad I don't gamble heavy on sports....

Being a douche at times, I pulled a total fuckstick move two weeks ago and kept hollering about how I would gladly bet my 401k rollover on the Pats to cover vs. Indy. While I was semi-joking, my rollover is in transit to Vanguard at this moment, I seriously considered a heavy wager on the Pats. In the end, I just could not face the possibility of saying to my wife that our future was financially in the hot zone because the Pats could not cover. Lesson learned was to know when to bet heavy and when to pull back a bit. Last week's game between Indianapolis and New England was a toss up, and I should not have been blinded by Belicheck and Brady like Bill "Belicheck's Ball Washer" Simmons always is. Know your limits, and when games look terrifying, stay away.

Compared to last week's AFC championship game, the Super Bowl looks much easier. There is a team playing well on both sides of the ball, with 2 weeks to rest after 19 games, and then there is the Bears. The Colts have played a tougher schedule in the regular season, a tougher schedule in the playoffs, and are peaking at the right time. They won 2 games with their MVp neutralized for most of the time. No disrespect to the Bears, but the NFC isn't a bag of HIV infected needles to rummage through in January. They had a bye and needed OT to beat the Seahawks, the phucking Seahawks, at home. The Saints drove on them left and right, and watched as the Bears recovered 3 fumbles. The Saints coughed up the ball, and almost every single time a Bear was there to fall on it. If this Bears defense had Mike Brown and Tommie Harris, I might be picking differently. The Colts should confuse Rex Grossman enough, and move the ball effectively to win the ballgame. Put Grossman down in a game, and he becomes a much worse QB. The Colts are my pick at -7.

With the grand tradition of prop bets, I am going to recommend a few. Last year, I dropped a deuce as a my prop bets sucked. Heath Miller can go phuck himself!

Peyton Manning over/under 273.5 passing yards: Over Either the Colts are down and he has to sling the ball non-stop or they are up big and pouring it on. He's going to throw a lot this week, and I can see this as being an exclamation point to his career. No in between: wow, you won the "Big One" in big fashion or just when we thought we were out, you sucked us back in, loser.

Bernard Berrian o/u 70.5 yards receiving: Over All it takes is one bomb. He is their deep strike guy, and we all know Grossman cannot help but shoot it downfield. Even witht he Bears down a ton, this plays into this wagers hands.

Rex Grossman total passing TDs + INTs o/u +2.5: Over Which Rex will show up? Regardless of which one shows up, it will be an interesting night for him. This bet is like a headge fund for gamblers.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Cobra Commander controls dangerous offensive weapons...

Who leads minions into battle as commander yet always suffers defeat? Cobra Commander, that is who. What man is a latent homosexual in crisp suits of blue, with great color schemes, and never ever makes a move on the super sexy Baroness? Cobra Commander. Who was a giant bitch to Destro and always one upped by Serpentor? Cobra Commander. Why is this written in Josef Stalin rhythm? This is a quip about ruthless men who are still bitches.

One can only compare Cobra Commander to Peyton Manning. Sure Peyton has a lot of tools, commercials, wins and records, but he still does not have elusive "Ultra-Super-Big One". He has only won small and medium "Big Ones". Much in the manner of Cobra Commander, he wins at the 15 minute mark but cannot close the deal when the clock shows 28 minutes and the "Knowing is half the Battle" public announcement comes onscreen.

Knowing what we know of Peyton's past failures and success, I leave you with this description of Cobra Commander to ponder while contemplating who to wager on for the Super Bowl.... (Credit to Wikipedia) ...

"Cobra Commander frequently led assaults himself, but was a coward at heart and proved the first to turn tail in retreat whenever the tide of battle shifted unfavorably. Impatient and frequently hysterical, he was prone to fits of rage when things went badly, often launching into extended rants. He was also greedy and egotistical, often mistreating his own troops to the point of mutiny, and on multiple occasions saw his plans foiled by his own arrogance."

Monday, January 29, 2007

If Optimus Prime were an NFL player...


In anticipation of the Super Bowl, I thought I'd discuss a favorite hero of mine who I thought would have been a great NFL player: Optimus Prime.

If Optimus Prime were an NFL player, he'd have to be Brian Urlacher. Optimus Prime is the heart and sould of the Autobots. His voice carries weight, and gives strength to the smaller, bitchy Autobots that are there for comic relief and do not add any value in a fight. Urlacher is the heart and soul of the Bears' defense. This is a defense that must protect the weak, the Bears' offense, and fight for what is right, the great city of Chicago. Much like the great Optimus Prime's toy outselling all other Transformers, Urlacher's jersey outsells all other jerseys in the NFL. Not even Ron Mexico or Reggie Bush could disrupt the throne for jersey domination.

Optimus Prime is a smart autobot and knows when it is right to transform and reveal his true self and when it is time to lead. Urlacher has transformed over his career, and has learned the art of making the big play at the big moment. Number 54 made the transition, the transformation if you will, from safety to middle linebacker during his rookie campaign in the NFL. There are some critics, usually overweight pussies who can't do anything involving ahtletics, who say he lacks power at the goalline or does not rise to the occasion. There is no middle linebacker who can play the cover 2 and still stand a RB up at the goallinewhen called upon like Brian Urlacher. During the playoffs last year, the Bears defense shit the bed. Steve Smith torched the entire defense like an angry Decepticon. Still, when all was lost, who made a leaping interception? Brian Urlacher.

Just know that if you pick against the Bears this weekend, you will be picking against the man who embodies the spirit of the greatest cartoon action leader of all time: Optimus Prime.

Friday, January 26, 2007

tough guys

While in college someone once asked em the toughest guy my age i knew and i think it took me less than a second to say a childhood friend named Kevin. I recently told the story to some coworkers, but the feat of strength, toughness, and kick-assery was amazing to witness. I might as well put it down here for all to enjoy.

As a junior in high school, a gigantic douchebag had challenged Kevin to a fight. Kevin just said "Brickyard." The Brickyard was a small clearing in the middle of a Brickyard. The key to the whole setting was that the Brickyard was accessed from school by a path to the woods, was deep in the deep of the actual brickyard, and was secluded from the front office by the mounds of bricks and stones on the clearing's perimeter. There were plenty of fights there when the opposing forces did not want to risk being stopped by a large crowd, teachers, or the on campus police officer. Going to a Brickyard fight was a rite of passage, which my uncles who had graduated from my high school 25 years before me talked about. With Kevin involved in a Brickyard fight, everyone was pumped.

Kevin was just about the dumbest lug in my class, which was proved when he was rejected by the local state university that had a 97% acceptance rate. He was the idiot who lied about his age to get a tattoo at 16. Forget cigs, porn or alcohol, get the tattoo. He was a traditional New England meathead, with an appropriate nickname of "Dewey". "Dewey" was always said in an annoying New England accent, andeveryone sounded like a 60 year old when they said "Doo-ie He lived on the same street as my grandma, and I spent countless summer days playing basketball, football and organizing neghborhood water wars. Kevin never did anything with 'touch'. The dude was always super aggressive. Throughout our childhood, I had witnessed him kick the shit out of maybe a dozen guys. He had one awesome advantage over a lot of guys in high school: he had been the same size since 6th grade. He had weightlifted for 5 years straight without stunting growth. He just stayed at 5 foot 10 as he put on muscle.

After school ended, I trucked along with friends of mine to witness a Brickyard fight with "Dewey". Getting to the clearing, there was a big crowd. Kevin took his sweater off as it was the mid-90s and people layered clothes. The other dude stopped smoking his cigarette in that lame teenage way where you do not inhale, and shook his head to his rural area, fake-gangster friends. People shouted "C'mon Kev" or "Fahk 'im up Dewey". It was like a lost episode of Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

The fight started off with some circling, some clapping of the spectators, and the occasional faux-boxing hop by one of the combatants. Kevin started in with a swift right and caught the dude in the neck. As these guys did not have any real training, the punches were going to miss. The douchebag did one of those flails as he bounced away. The guy's backwards hat fell off, and a big red mark was exposed on his neck. Dewey knew he had the guy, so he rushed him. Kevin threw a ton of punches just wailing on his body and head. Somehow, the guy threw Kevin off of him. Everyone was sucking in breath or doing a hushed-shout along with Kevin's punches or faggy kicks from the douchebag.

The fight took a turn that I will never forget. Dewey landed a punch and then got cocky and popped his body back in a dancer's manner. Dewey got wailed on the back of the head by one of the douchebag's friends and stumbled forward. As he stumbled and ducked his head, the douchebag or twatwaffle, knocked Kevin in the face with a loud snap-crack. When the douchebag's follow through was complete, we saw that he had grabbed a broken piece of brick. The DB's friend then took another shot at Kevin and screamed "Yeaaah-uh". My buddies and I were ready to jump in and rip on the DB's entire crew of poseurs. Honestly, for one second I thought, "At least I don't have braces, so if I get hit in the face, it won't rip up my mouth". Kevin picked himself up off the ground, and waived off my buddy Eric. Dewey charged the DB and punched him so hard square in the face that it snapped his head back and knocked him tot eh ground. He then turned his wrath on the DB's homie who had cold cocked him in the back of the head. It was about 30 seconds of asswhupping, and the crowd whooped it up. After the DB's friends collected him and the cheap shot artist, they scrammed back through the path to the school's parking lot. We circled Kevin and asked him how he was. His jaw was swollen and his words were garbled. My friend Josh said "Bite down on your teeth, do your teeth feel normal?" Dewey said "I can't an' my teef feel phucked up". He opened his mouth to show he had no broken teeth, but their were out of alignment. We all thought he had broken his jaw.

Things broke up, and a good friend of Kevin's rushed him to his Mom's house. The next day at school, we saw Kevin walk in with a small clear tube sticking out of his mouth and a huge face. Was Kevin pressing charges? Nope. Was Kevin going to be forever be Quasimodo? No. Dewey secured his legacy at school, not by fumbling twice in the biggest football game of his senior year, but by having his jaw broken by a punk with a piece of brick and proceeding to beat the living shit out of two people. I have never seen a fight like it since, and I have never met anyone as tough as Kevin since.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Pats-Colts game and other sheyit

Many columnists much more eloquent than I have commented on this game, but I'm going to put my two cents into the pot. I expected a Pats' win. After the first half, I never expected the Colts to come back and turn this AFC championship game into the best championship game since the Giants beat the 49ers in 1990. The emotion in that Giants-49ers game was easy to see as the glam of the 49ers went up against Parcells' rough and tough Giants. The game went above a rivalry, and a conference game. This very game between the Colts and Pats equaled that game if not exceeded it because of the extra baggage that Dungy and Manning carried with them into this game.

Timed perfectly with my neighbors yelling and stomping on the floor, Asante Samuel returned an INT that made me say "Game Over". The Pats' running game looked like they could run all voer the Colts' D, and it just felt like another Pats beatdown of the Colts in the playoffs. Even the final drive of the first half had me scratching my head and thinking that it was Manning finally looking good when the game was lost. Little did I know that it was the start to the biggest comeback in conference championship history. That drive gave the Colts confidence, but it also established a flow for their offense. The idea of Belicheck scheming and stopping Manning one more time had been bent by that drive.

Critical to that final drive, the first drive of the second half put 7 more on the board and brought the crowd back into the game. Something that had to weigh on the Patriots' minds was the fact that the defensive line was not rotating in fresh legs in years past, Indy kept picking up the blitzing linebackers that kept slowing down, and the defense had been on the field for a long time. A staple on the Belicheck Patriots has been their ability to answer teams when they score a quick TD or get the game closer. This offense did not do that. The 3 and out was cruical tot he Colts success. The defense rose to the challenge in the 2nd half, and that 3 and out boosted their odds of winning tremendously. Suddenly, the Pats defense was back on the field after back to back long drives by the Colts. The Pats had run barely any time off the clock. It was a one TD game, and the Colts offense was on fire. That stop was huge, and lost in the spotlight on Peyton's 2 minute drill to win the game was that critical stop.

As far as the Colts, fans have to start looking at this playoff run and think to some playoff runs of recent history with the weird things that have happened to help them along the way. The Chiefs shanked a 19 yard FG, Vinatieri bounces a 50 yarder off fo the crossbar for a huge FG ont he road, the entire 2nd half of the Pats/Colts game. Maybe it is their year? A great match up awaits the team with the Bears. The Bears run the football and play outstanding defense (not as well the 2nd half of the year). Can the Bears make up for missing Tommie Harris and Mike Brown? Can the good Rex Grossman show up?

The Bears are effective at creating turnovers, but without a great pass rush, which has been suspect since Tommie Harris' injury, the Cover 2 they run can be picked apart by QBs who read defenses well. They need those turnovers so Rex Grossman can work with a short field, and the Bears can chew up clock and yards with the ground game if they are already in FG range. The Steelers and Pats both one SBs with young QBs who had limited responsibilites. On the other hand, if they turn the ball over, Rex Grossman playing from behind and having to throw the ball non-stop is a scary idea. The Bears can win this game. I just do not think they will. One thing that I think favors the Colts is that their banged up bodies will get a ton of help from the 2 week layoff. Not having a bye this year, the Colts have had that undersized defense on the field for 19 weeks. The nicks and scrapes they have will get some time to heal. The Colts will need that defense to come up with just enough of an effort to let Peyton and company do their thing. It will be a fun match up, and the nice part of my soul wants to see Dungy and Manning win a ring. The evil side wants to see the Bears pick Manning off 4 times and set off a rebirth of "Da Bears" skits on SNL.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Championship Weekend

Saints +2 over BEARS
With my heart not my head, I choose the Saints to advance. I'm going with Sean Payton over Lovie Smith here. I also think that the Bears defense just isn't as strong versus the pass as it once was, and this feeds right into Drew Brees' hands. The Bears run defense has been weak of late as well, and when you have 2 top 10 draft picks in one backfield, that does not bode well. Deuce and Reggie should work that inside-outside action, and really wear the undersized Bears D down. Of course, the Bears D could create a turnover or 2 for some short field, the running game can work it outside and Rextasy can hit 2 deep throws. I know the Bears are the better team, I just can't go with them right here.

Pats +3 over COLTS
I'm going with both road teams. One thing announcers always say about the Pats, "their front 7 is so tough", bothers me. The defensive line, with the 3 first round picks, is amazing. They play the run and pass well, they can create pressure without any blitzing linebackers, and they eat up blockers. They have been the key to the Pats defensive success of recent years. The Pats also have the MVP, most valuable person, in the league in Bill Belicheck. With his schemes and preparation, that front line can anchor a gameplan of confusion and deception. Belicheck has devised gameplans to stop the K-Gun Bills, the greatest show on turf, and the Manning Colts; he is an amazing coaching talent. He will be the difference this game.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Phucking Chinese

The Chinese have a long military tradition based on total warfare. On the idea that you use any means to defeat an enemy. When possible, you defeat an enemy without fighting. I have previously written on the Chinese having a dangerous non-military weapon to use against the USA. The Chinese have just tested a missile that would knock out a satellite, thanks CNN. The quote at the end states that this would be a first move in a war to take Taiwan. Yup, it looks like that attack will start before 2010. When China's economy does not have double digit growth, the farmlands lag the coastline even more, and civil war is on the verge of happening, China will make a move on Taiwan. I respect the Chinese culture and history; I just hate Commies. Dirty Commies.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

So you've watched a Football game with a Pats Fan

The mood in Massachusetts is more unbearable than ever as a month ago, talk had turned towards the Red Sox, and the Pats 'fans' were talking about a "1 and done". Well, the two pump chumps are now talking Super Bowl number 4. My friend came up with this list for the shared misery of watching a game with Pats 'fans'. We have tweaked it a bit over time as Pats fans have become more obnoxious. You know who I am talking about, the disguntled Red Sox, post-'01, regional bandwagon fans from New England. A friend of mine, that is a NY Giants fan and from New England, came up with a list of things that tip you off that you are watching a game with a Pats fan.....

10. Before the game, a fan talks about Brady's great looks, strong body, and amazing intelligence. The fan then introduces you to his wife.
9. They wear a Troy Brown jersey because they are too poor to buy anyone's jersey now that they cost $75 a pop.
8. "Irregaahdless of winnin' or losin', I have the utmost confidence that Belicheck's a genius. Look irregahdless of the score, he's a fahkin' genius..... Yankees suck."
7. After Tedy Bruschi makes his one play for the game they say, "Bruuuuuu! Fahk... Bruschi plays with a wicked big haaht". They turn away as drool spills down his uniform.
6. Their girlfriend has a pink Brady jersey and lots of make-up on, showing about 6 weeks worth of roots.
5. They pay attention to detail, talk strategy, enjoy tightly contested games and call out players who make mistakes. They get drowned out by the dipshit fans around them who jumped on the bandwagon in '01 that are hollering at every play.
4. They are an ugly ginger kid that answers to Patrick, Ryan, Sean, Sully or Murph. They have no soul.
3. During the game, they speak a lot about the Pats blitzing and using the Cover 2, when in fact they are rushing four down linemen and using a Cover 3.
2. They keep trying to pick up the bartender. She's about a 6 out of 10, but it's 6 beers into the game and this is Boston.
1. Their apartment has photos of them through their childhood in NY Giants jerseys.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

WCVB Channel 5 bulletin

WCVB Channel 5 in Boston-

This evening the Prince of Darkness, Satan, made an appearance in Massachusetts. What was he doing in the Bay State? Satan was looking for a public notary to certify the contract extension he signed with Bill Belicheck. The extension was said to be effective at 6pm on Sunday January 14th. Belicheck's contract was due up at the end of this season, and the Prince of Darkness had been throwing in twists to the deal after February of 2005. Driven by a need to shift the focus of the contract off of himself and back onto his team, Coach Belicheck was adamant at getting a new deal done prior to the expiration of the current deal. Discussing the deals to the extension, Satan said that Belicheck was angry at the curveball of divorce, departure of the Golden Leg, and personal issues of infidelity being leaked to the press/disgust at how ugly his children are. Belicheck demanded that no others in his family be impacted in the terms of his extension with the forces of Darkness. Satan told the WCVB news crew that the most difficult thing was finding a notary who could read a contract written in urine and the blood of unbaptized newborns.


(phuck the pats, no not really, phuck the Pats' fans.)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Divisional Round

Man, I did 3-1 and the Jets were the team to let me down, damn. I am still getting over the flubbed hold by Romo, but it's one game, one moment. Shit happens. The team never should have let Seattle back into the game. Dallas needs to draft a Free Safety in the first round, please! I hope they target the secondary and offensive linemen in the offseason through free agency and the draft.

In the divisional round, there is usually 1 road victory. The AFC match ups are both toss ups, and I have a feeling I could go 0-2. I also feel both road teams could win.

Colts +4 over Ravens
I love the Ravens D, but I think Peyton has done well when he has faced the Ravens. I think if the Colts can avoid turnovers, they can win the game. I keep thinking back to the Bengals-Ravens game on Thursday night, and I think the Colts cna pull it off. If Peyton craps the bed again like he did last week, screw him and that inbred look on his face.

Saints -5 over Iggles
The Jeff Garcia train ends here. He has looked worse the last 2 games than he did when he was first inserted into the lineup. I trust in Sean Payton to have schemed like a mofo for the Iggles to stop Brian Westbrook. Stop him, and you stop their offense. Garcia still has the tendency to let some passes go into traffic and force balls. With Lito Sheppard going out for this game, I just don't see how the Iggles can defend the Saints attack. Even if they apply pressure on Brees, there is going to be an open WR. From what we have seen this year, the Saints have 4 viable options to throw to, excluding Deuce.

Pats +5 over CHARGERS
I hate New England, I really do. Not for the team; moreso the fans. I truly only dislike Rodney Harrison and Tom Brady for their whining about "disrespect" and Harrison's cheapshots. I respect Belicheck and what he can do. He's just going to be too much for Schottenheimer and Rivers. I think this is going to be a close, close game.

BEARS-9 over Seahawks
Even is Rextasy self implodes, the Bears D and Special Teams can score 14 points.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

wild card weekend

Dallas +3 over SEATTLE
The seahawks have no DBs left, and Hasselbeck looks like sh*t. It's just too bad he got hurt, he's never got into a groove with the WR corps. I full expect Alexander to have a stinker of a game. It's playoff time Shaun; smile some more bitch as you get 50 yards on 20 carries.

Giants +7 over IGGLES
When you play teams 3 times in a season, you know all of their weaknesses and strengths. Divisional games are usually tight, and 7 points is an awful lot for any NFC team.

Colts -7 over Chiefs
Larry Johnson will feast upon the Colts D, but the Chiefs can't cover anyone. I just see the Colts scoring more TDs on their posessions.

Jets +9 over Pats
Read the Iggles/Giants comments. This should be close, but the Jets will not win. They have been doing this on strings and scotch tape. With a #2 schedule next year, the Jets very well could backslide... even if they have $20 mil in cap space.